


Inhibitions Aside

by DarkwingSnark, Moonbeamcat



Category: Penn Zero: Part-Time Hero
Genre: Action/Adventure, M/M, Romantic Comedy, Stranded
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-05-26 05:00:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 33,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6224968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkwingSnark/pseuds/DarkwingSnark, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonbeamcat/pseuds/Moonbeamcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thanks to a broken-down world transporter, Rippen and Larry find themselves stranded on the alien world of Omeprazole. With it comes trying the part-time villain's patience, as well as acceptance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Whole New World

A ship, large and ominous, hovered just outside the planet of Omeprazole like an eclipse. Space, though usually silent, was filled with commotion as noise could be heard from inside the black scorpion-esque shaped vessel. In the dome of its command center, explosions throughout the ship were ignored as the battle of good and evil took place- the hero and villain were locked in their cosmic crusade. Penn Zero, young, hair black and blue for his current incarnation, smiled smugly at the snarling man- their light swords crisscrossing and scissoring as they fought for dominance.

"Give up, Rip ol' boy. Your droids were taken out, Sashi is busy blowing up every system of your ship, even Boone has LARRY distracted." A small grunt was uttered as his foe pressed harder into their blades. Penn easily compensated with a quick shift of his feet. "I'm tellin' ya, you're just not gonna win this one. _Sorry, not-sorry._ "

The sly, unsettling smirk the villain wore told Penn that Rippen didn't agree on the matter. Was he anyone else, the hero might be worried that his foe had something evil up his mechanical sleeves, but this was Penn Zero, and his infallible confidence that justice would always prevail kept him grounded and focused.

"Oh, you think so, do you?" Rippen's face was uncomfortably close now. Seriously, gross, what did this guy have for breakfast? Their laser swords strained against one another, casting their faces in an eerie glow. "I may have failed to extinguish this solar system's sun... but now I'm thinking I'd much rather extinguish its hero, instead!"

The ship suddenly shook violently- the explosions around the ship were finally beginning to do the vessel in. It was enough to knock the two off balance, Rippen faring slightly better due to his size, but Penn tumbled to the floor. Alarms and warnings began pouring from the ship's console and speaker systems.

"Ah yes, that would be my cue." Rippen grinned in delight,

"What was that?" Penn yelled over the blaring alarms. Rippen's smile was gone.

"I said-"

"Whaaat? I can't hear you over these alarms! Speak up!"

"I said!"

"Huh?"

"Oh, never mind!"

Rippen stepped backwards, and pushed a button on the arm of his mecha suit. A hologram of a smiling Larry popped up. Before he could be bombarded by his endless prattle, he cut in.

"Larry, I need you get to the nearest escape pod, do you understand? We're leaving. _Now._ "

"I read ya loud and clear, Big Gu-" Rippen cut communications. Penn had just managed to climb back onto his feet as Rippen scurried into his own escape pod, but Penn had other problems to deal with now. He looked around, frantically, at the ship deteriorating around him. They had to get out, too, or they were going down with the ship- which was exactly what Rippen had planned for them, he was sure of it now.

The young hero accessed his own holocommunicator, Sashi and Boone popping up, looking just as worried as he felt.

"Uh, guys? I think it's about time we get the heck out of here."

"No, you think?" Sashi spat back.

"Yeah, not dieing was like, number three on my list of goals for the day, so..." Boone added.

"Great! Glad we're on the same page." The two holograms were replaced by a single one with the push of another button, a rather grumpy looking alien with ridges on his head.

"Hey, Rarf, buddy!"

Rarf just glared and grunted. Penn grimaced as the ship heaved again- had he known his life would eventually rely on this guy, he might have tried getting along with him better.

"Uh yeah, listen, we kiiinda need you to get us out of here before, y'know, haha," He made a boom sound effect, followed by a gruesome splattering sound.

Another grunt, and communications were cut from Rarf's side, but seconds later, the three heroes were teleported safely back into their own ship.

Seconds before Rippen's ship exploded into a million pieces of shrapnel.

The explosion was enough to rock the heroes' ship, and enough to do some serious damage to the fleeing escape pods. The pods' occupants were battered against the sides- Larry less so as he had known enough to wear a seatbelt- as they hurdled toward the planet below in two flaming metal orbs. Penn, Sashi, and Boone all fist-bumped before flashing out in streams of blue light- their inter-dimensional conductor, Phyllis, drawing them out of the world and bringing them home.

The two part-time villains weren't as lucky, as their pods crashed into Omeprazole- their borrowed bodies taking the impact in full. Larry, ever the cheerful and excitable, was the first to crack open his tiny orange vessel- the side door lifting upwards like a lamborghini. Unbuckling his seatbelt he stretched.

"Ooooh boy, talk about a bumpy ride! I haven't been on something that rough since I was a kid! Though, I don't think the washing machine got NEARLY as much air as this baby did." Patting the escape pod affectionately, the minion sighed. "Not bad, though, not bad. What d'ya think, Rippen, yay or nay on doing a round two?"

The pod not too far away from his cracked open, revealing a completely disheveled villain- upside down. With a creak of metal against metal, Rippen found himself falling forward before landing on the hard purple ground of the planet- directly on his face.

"Is that a... nay?" Larry ventured. When Rippen didn't answer, didn't move, he frowned. "Yeah, that seems like a nay to me. That's okay! Maybe later."

It took a lot of energy to break through the pain and apathy enough for Rippen to pry himself off the ground, but he managed. The only thought that kept him from just laying there forever was the thought of soaking in a nice hot bath at home, away from work, away from Penn Zero, and most of all, away from that incessant chattering in his ear.

"Larry... I, I just want to go home, alright? Soak in my misery alone for awhile, maybe actually enjoy my weekend for a change."

Larry wasn't sure how 'misery' and 'enjoying yourself' were in any way connected, but he respected his friend's point of view.

"I gotcha. I should probably get home and feed Tony. I'll bet the little guy is worried sick, wondering where I've been. Did I tell you what he did the other day? No? Well I'll tell you anyway. Okay so, you know those little cookies that come in-"

Larry's voice faded into buzzing in the background as Rippen tuned him out, already calling Phil to get them out of there.

"Phil, we lost. Again." It was obvious that Rippen was chuffed about having to say that out loud. Hadn't Phil been paying attention?

"Yes, I know."

"...You know? Then why in the world are we still here?"

"There is minor problem with machine."

"...How minor?"

"Mmmm... not very. Ice cream gum up works pretty bad. Might take awhile to fix."

Rippen was just about to ask what sort of idiot would leave ice cream on priceless interdimensional technology, when he was interrupted by the sound of his number two gasping.

"Aww, it melted? Well poo, there goes the surprise!"

Of course, THAT kind of idiot. The goblin-esque man was flabbergasted, his mouth agape as he looked down at his minion.

"You…" Confusion turned into pure rage. "YOU DID THIS?! Larry, do you have ANY inkling of an idea of WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!"

"Uh… waste ten dollars on pint-sized containers when I should've just got a gallon of munchy crunchy for us to share?" Larry had ventured to answer.

Rippen was seconds away from just picking up the roly-poly man and punting him across the purple field like a football. Insteaded he brought his hands to his face as he dragged down the skin on his cheeks- making his bottom rim of his eyes exposed.

"You stranded us in the middle of flippen nowhere is what you did, Larry!" Rippen growled. "Oh, I can't believe this! Of ALL the mindless stupidity you've done, this HAS to be at the top of the list!" The villain turned back to his communicator as he addressed the man on the other line. "What are we supposed to do, Phil?! We've practically sitting ducks to millions of dangerous and alien life!"

Phil blinked, not phased in the slightest.

"Not having cooked goose would be a place to start." Rippen groaned at the joke, the technician continued. "Relax. I said it won't be taking long. Just enjoy planet for a while and be taking in scenery. Phil out."

Rippen grumbled as the call had ended, and cast a glare out over their surroundings.

"Right, and I'm supposed to enjoy this?" Hues of purple stretched out in all directions under a bright orange sky. The grass was purple, the trees and shrubbery were purple, and it was making Rippen feel ill. He squinted and made a sound of disgust.

"It's like we've fallen into some horrible kiddie cartoon. It's making my eyes itch!"

Apparently Larry was finished with his cookie story, because suddenly he was right beside him, patting his arm.

"Aw, I think you're just tired. Besides, it reminds me of sherbet ice cream! Doesn't it remind you a little bit of sherbet, Rippen?"

"No, Larry, I can't say that was my first thought in the slightest."

Rippen was surprised to see Larry drop it at that with a shrug, but thought nothing of it after that.

"Well, first thing's first, we'd better find us some shelter! We don't know how long a day lasts here, and I tell ya, you do not want to be caught outside at night when the bears come out. Did I ever tell you about the time I-"

Rippen was only half listening, but followed Larry's lead in a stupor. Since when did Larry take charge of things, and since when did he know about being stranded in the middle of nowhere? The art teacher followed the other man deeper into the unknown, the field they had crashed in being close to a forest of fuschia foliage. Larry effortlessly made his way through, pushing branches to the side- only to snap back into Rippen's face. By the third whack the villain had grown to accept his slapstick of a fate.

Rippen nearly tripped over his minion when Larry suddenly stopped. He was just about to yell at him, when the smaller man pointed off into the distance in excitement.

"LOOK! Shelter! SEE, I knew we'd eventually find something!"

Rippen wasn't impressed.

"I'm not going in there."

"Aw, why not sugar?" Larry asked with a small frown- his lips pursed in the slightest. "I REALLY don't think it's a good idea to stay out here. The Junior Woodchuck's manual states-"

"Wait, _hold on_ , " the villain interrupted, " since when have YOU been a boy scout?"

"Oh! Since FOREVER! You mean I never told about the badges I had as a kid?"

"No."

"Not even the fact I'm an honorary troop leader and sometimes take boys out camping on weekends? Aw, c'mon, I HAD to at least mention that!"

" _No_ ," Rippen repeated. Though, in all honesty, there was a chance it was mentioned in one of the baby-man's endless prattle sessions. Rippen did have a habit of quickly tuning out when his brain started to shut down from the stupidity- which, admittedly, tended to be very quickly while around his number two. Still, best not to mention any of that.

Larry's frown deepened.

"HUH, really was sure I would've said something. Oh well! No biggie! But yeah! Manual says that first thing is to find yourself a shelter away from the elements. Then there is finding food and water, and starting a fire. Especially the fire bit- we don't know how cold it's gonna get here. And you do NOT want to freeze out in the middle of nowhere. I did that once, but that wasn't nowhere, it was my walk-in freezer. Still pretty awful though!"

The part-time villain rolled his eyes, folding his arms across his chest in defiance.

"Be that as it may, Mister Troop Leader , I still REFUSE to go in there. Remember your bear talk earlier? _I do._ And bears happen to LIKE caves, Larry. They like to LIVE there. And with MY luck there will be one in there waiting for us, and coming straight for me!"

"But Rippen-" Larry argued.

" _Nono_ , no buts! I am staying right here!" Rippen's defiance instantly melted away as the orange sky cracked- suddenly a deep scarlet red. Yellow droplets fell from the overcast, heavy and thick and instantly soaking the villain through his robotic suit- causing it to short circuit. Rippen sighed.

"Well don't just stand around like a dunderhead! Let's go in already!"

The cave may have provided shelter, but it did not offer peace of mind for Rippen. He had hoped for a reprieve from the blinding array of colors that had assaulted his eyes since they had gotten there. Surely a cave would be the place to find a more subdued atmosphere, right?

The bright blue rocky walls that now surrounded them spoke of a different fate.

Their mecha-suits lay side-by-side in a heap on the other side of the cave. They had been soaked and rendered as nothing more than useless anchors to hinder their movement and comfort. Rippen sat huddled up against a wall in his under clothes, shivering from the cold, glaring out at the falling rain, full of disdain.

Larry was playing with sticks and rocks or something stupid like that, Rippen couldn't really care less. That was, until the noise became so deafening that the villain could no longer tune it out. His silent frustrations turned to rage as he growled- jumping from his seat as he marched around the corner and deeper into the cave.

"LARRY!" No response, and the noise continued. Rippen went in deeper. "Larry, I swear, if you don't cut that offensive racket, I'll-"

Whatever threat he had prepared died on his lips as he came to a standstill. Where the entrance of the cave had been what one would expect- a rock with a hole in it- Larry's corner (which he found himself referring to it) was not the ordinary. Larry, who must have been going back and forth collecting material for some time now, had constructed himself a fully furnished living room. Loveseats, a table, leaf rugs- he had even found the time to make a little centerpiece of some sort of alien purple lilies. Larry, Rippen had found, was off to the side with his little rock hammer- putting the finishing touches on a stand.

"Oh! There you are, Rippen." The principal spoke with his usual contentment, barely even phased by the fact he had pulled a home decor miracle out of his sleeves. "Like what you see, huh? Just thought I'd make us a cozy little place. Just because we're not home doesn't mean we can't have fun with it. And look!" There the excitement was once more, as he motioned towards his stand. "I even made us a bar! Not that I condone drinking, you know, but it's fun to play host sometimes. Like this one time, like three summers ago, when I threw a little get-together for my 'Teddy Roosevelt figurines of the month' club, when Susan-"

Rippen, as usual, wasn't listening. He was busy gaping at the spread before him. The hulking villain didn't see a cozy living space, no, he saw only another reason to be angry. Things always came so easy to Larry, didn't they? Life hadn't merely been good to the tiny man, it had been one miracle after another, his whole life through. And now it looked as if nature herself had bestowed upon him every comfort he could need while stranded on this feral paintball of a planet.

Larry hadn't even finished his story when Rippen took a deep breath, turned around, and left. The small man leapt to his feet and scurried after him, stopping in what could be considered the doorway.

"Hey, where ya goin'?"

"Back to my side of the cave, of course." Rippen murmured, without bothering to do much as glance back. "I'd like to get some sleep, if that's quite alright with you."

"Your side? Pfft, aw come on, we're on the same side, buddy! ... Rippen? Look! I even made you a cup holder out of a coconut-thing shell! It's pretty neat."

But his "buddy" didn't seem interested at all. He rounded the corner and he was gone. Larry frowned, but shrugged. He supposed he could understand if Rippen preferred to rough it.

Meanwhile, on his side of the cave, Rippen was mumbling to himself.

"I don't need Larry's charity." He told the rain. "He thinks he's so special, pah! I've got all I need over on my side. Like, like this rock, for example, yes!"

Rippen held up a blue rock- of course it was blue, everything was blue in there- triumphantly. When he realized no one could see his victory anyway, he began to feel silly and put the rock down, curling up and scowling as he decided that rocks made lousy pillows. It was with a heavy sigh that he pulled out his communicator once more, sitting up and fixing his hair before pressing the button. Rippen tried to make himself as cool and confident as he could; he may have been miserable and stranded in the middle of nowhere, but he still had his pride. after all.

"Yes, hello, Phil. How's it going?"

"Same as last time you rang," the technician stated bluntly. Phil was half inside the world-transporter's main tower- ripping out different components that the part-time villain had no clue what their functions were. Phil pulled himself out of the machine, face and top covered in oil. "Is something being wrong?"

"Oh, nothing's the matter." Rippen stated nonchalantly, pretending to be more interested in his nails. "Not like I'm trapped on an alien world, in a completely different dimension. Nono, just checking in with my good ol' buddy Phil- seeing how you're doing, and all that jazz. We never really TALK, do we? Never got to… you know, _know the real Phil_."

So he was grasping at straws, trying to hide the fact he was more than worried about the situation. Rippen knew it. And, worse, he knew that the Fishstick on a Stick owner knew it too. Phil's face was as unreadable as ever, as he responded boredly.

"Evil villains are not having buddies, Rippen. Nor is life up for discussion between boss and employee. Now, can I be getting back to work, or is scared man with skunk on head going to prattle in ear?"

"Oh! Yes of course, so sorry, you're busy, I'll just, check in later, hm?"

"I rather you don't." The screen went black. Rippen scowled at the device and mocked Phil's ending words, childishly. Forgetting an important detail, he let himself fall backward in defeat, ready to try and sleep away his misery.

"Ow! What in the-" He snatched up the loathsome thing he had just smacked his head on, and glared at it. "Oh, it's you again." He told the rock. He chucked it out into the driving rain, and it made him feel ever so slightly better.

Rippen stared up at the cave ceiling, flat on his back, arms outstretched. This is what his life had come to. Stranded in a strange dimension, with Larry, in a cave, in his underclothes. He was cold, he was wet, he was miserable, and the worst part was, he wasn't even able to enjoy it.

He was still contemplating just how much he hated everything in his life when sleep began to take hold at long last. The beeping from a wishful dream brought him to wakefulness at once, he shot up, snatching up his communicating device.

"Yes, you said something?" The amount of excited hopefulness in his voice was almost embarrassing.

The screen was still blank.

"Ah, I see." It was going to be a long night.


	2. Eat Or Be Eaten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rippen finds survival isn't as easy as he thought it would be.

The next morning came far too soon for Rippen. After an endless night of waking up from either being too cold, the ground being too hard and uncomfortable, or the planet's cicada-like hissing all around him being like a never ending uproar-the villain had been ripped from his slumber at every turn. And right when sleep had finally come, precious and glorious if ever faint, Rippen's eyes were assaulted by the sun. He cursed at its rays, wishing somebody would just get rid of it- when he was suddenly reminded of his failure and why he was stuck and miserable in the first place. So, with a groan, Rippen sat up- as ready to face the day as he would ever be.

At least it was warmer once he left the cave. He felt himself begin to feel thankful for that accursed sun, before squashing the treacherous thought with the steely-toed boot of stubborn anger.

Rippen allowed a glance over his shoulder- surely Larry had awoken before he had. Larry had always been a morning person, much to Rippen's disdain. But there was no sign of him. He must have decided to sleep in for a change.

"Well then, it looks as if our survival on this dreadful eyesore of a planet, rests in my capable hands. Typical."

His stomach used this opportunity to suggest he find food first. He had to admit, the idea of gathering food and resources they needed for survival, all on his own, bringing it all back to shove in Larry's face, was a pretty delightful thought, indeed.

"I don't need Larry, I've got this covered." Rippen smirked, and puffed out his chest, taking his first confident step into this brand new world-

Rippen made a face as his foot sank to the ankle into a large, still warm pile of let's-not-think-about-it. Ah, what a glorious start this had turned out to be. With a grimace, Rippen vigorously wiped away the alien mess onto the purple grass before stubbornly marching deeper into the forest.

So, simple. Starting out simple was always good. Looking for nuts and berries seemed like a reasonable place to start. SURE, there was no way to tell if it would be poisonous to him- something Rippen had deeply considered- however, he was at the point he was willing to risk it.

"Besides, if it does me in… At least I'm no longer stuck with Larry." The part-time villain mumbled- his heart not fully into his bitter words even as he said them to an audience of none.

It took him a while, but after half an hour Rippen finally found what he was looking for. Nestled among its tree brethren were a scattering of fruit trees. There was no mistaken what they were, even with their odd coloring. Pear-shape and dangling from the purple branches were salmon colored crop. They were big, juicy, and OH just looking at them made Rippen's mouth water.

"Now… just to figure out how to get it… Aha!" With excitement, the goblin-esue man pulled down one of the dangling vines from the nearest tree. Tying it into a lasso, Rippen twirled it over his head as he aimed at the lowest branch- where the alien fruit was waiting for him to dig his teeth into.

The lasso flew true, looping around the branch. Rippen stared and blinked. Had that actually worked? On the first try? His confidence levels skyrocketed, and he yanked on the vine to secure it and test for durability. When he was convinced it would hold him, he used the vine to climb up into the tree's branches.

The moment he took hold of the first branch to hoist himself up, a shift and a sharp cracking sound made his blood run cold. Moments later, he was crashing to the ground, tiny purple leaves fluttering down to cover him like a veil of mockery. Rippen lay there on his stomach, not at all happy, but supposing that could have been worse. Nothing felt broken, and at least-

There was a dull 'thunk' as one of the fruits fell from the tree and landed beside his face. Rippen sat up at once, grabbing the fruit and smiling. The skin of it was soft, almost peach-like.

"Well, perhaps not the most conventional way of doing things, but a win is a win!" he told the fruit, bringing it to his mouth and preparing to bite into it.

The fruit, however, beat him to it. Rippen screamed when a row of sharp teeth latched onto his thumb. He shook his hand as hard as he could, and the fruit-creature let go, smacking against the trunk of the tree and bouncing off, landing on the ground and growling at him.

The villain gulped and looked up into the branches, branches that were now full of snarling, razor-toothed fruit monsters. One by one, they fell to the ground all around him, ready to attack en masse.

Rippen had no time to curse his luck, as he did the biggest heel turn of his life and ran in the opposite direction- the creatures not far behind as they bounced after him. Faster and faster the villain ran, the shrubbery catching onto his bodysuit and cutting it in the process. One cut was even deep enough to leave a mark, as Rippen hissed from the pain. But there was no time for that, there was only fear.

"Would it help if I said I was sorry?!" Rippen yelled back at the alien pears, trying to appease the demons at his heels. However, he should have been looking forward instead of back, as the next thing Rippen knew he lost the ground and ran straight off a cliff.

A yellow river saving him from meeting a grisly fate.

The crack of body breaking water was followed by more splashing as the villain gasped for air. Hair plastered to his face, Ripped swiped it out of the way before paddling to the nearest shore. Once there, he flopped onto the ground like a wet washcloth thrown onto the floor- panting for much needed air.

"I…huff.. REALLY hate this place."

* * *

How long had he been walking, minutes, hours, days? Alright, so maybe days was exaggerating matters a bit far, but Rippen was sick of it. He was cold and sore, even his eyes hurt from all of the colors. Purple, blue, pink, yellow, oh, what he would give to be surrounded by the dull, drab, dreary colors of his apartment again.

He had managed to stumble into some sort of lush jungle it seemed, and he was beginning to wonder if he would ever find his way out of it. Twice he had turned around and attempted to backtrack, but all of the trees and plants and rocks looked the same! He was trapped and lost in Playdoh Hell.

There were noises all around him- squawking, croaking, slithering, but not once did he see anything moving. It was odd, really, but after his encounter with the pears, he was fine with not encountering any more wildlife this planet had to offer.

As if sensing this thought, as if this accursed place wished to spite him at every turn, something sleek and dark and quick darted across his path and into the trees. Unnerved, Rippen's eyes darted from side to side. Was he being watched? He swore he felt like he was being watched. He began to back up, slowly. He kept backing up until he bumped into something large and soft. Oh, that couldn't be good.

He didn't even dare look, until a large shadow loomed over him, and he didn't have a choice. He looked straight up with dread, and sighed loudly when he saw the mouth of an enormous pitcher plant closing in fast.

Larry rode in on his newly tamed steed and scratched his chin. He could have sworn Rippen had come this way! Where could he have gone? A commotion caught his attention, and he directed his mount over to a rather large plant, which was currently shaking and wiggling violently, emitting muffled cries.

Larry gasped.

"Oh my goodness! You know what, you sound just like my friend Rippen! Impressive! Can you do Halle Berry?"

More kicking and muffled noises came from the plant, Larry shook his head with a small frown.

"Nono, that's still Rippen. But nice try, though! With a little practice, I'm sure you'll get it!"

In a loud burst the pitcher plant screamed a high pitched cry as it was violently ripped asunder. In the same spot where the foliage had once been standing was Rippen- covered in stomach juices and reeking. The villain snarled, not yet down from his adrenaline high, when his attention was stolen by suddenly getting licked by Larry's horse dinosaur.

"What! OH, don't you go eating me too!" It didn't take long for Rippen to spot his number two riding the thing. "I, LARRY?! What in the world are you doing here?! How did you find me?"

The principal clapped his hands twice, which the animal took as a signal to lower itself. Once close enough to the ground, Larry hopped off and made the short distance to his best buddy.

"Oh, Chuck here did all the finding. I had him smell your mecha suit and the rest was easy. See, I had woken up and noticed you weren't there, and after a while you STILL weren't back and…" His eyes watered a little and he pouted. "You know, it's really not safe to go off on your own. That's what the buddy system is for. Like one time I went into the woods without a buddy and, well, the mountain lion was nice once you got to know him, I'll say that. BUT, it was still scary at first!"

"Villains don't have buddies, Larry." Rippen replied, borrowing Phil's words from the night before. He didn't see Larry's face fall, he was too busy trying to wipe the slime he was covered in on a nearby tree.

"Now if you wouldn't mind, I'd appreciate it if you and that... that thing you rode in on would go ahead and UN-find me. I'm doing quite fine on my own, thank you very much."

Larry was smiling again. He should have known Rippen had things figured out!

"Oh, good! ... um, question?" Larry whispered that last part, his hand raised as if he was a student in a classroom. Rippen rolled his eyes.

"Yes, what is it?"

"What are you doing, that is going fine? Because if it's being eaten by stuff, wooo boy, you are _killing_ it!"

Rippen was mostly certain that Larry wasn't even trying to be sarcastic, and that somehow made it worse.

"No _, my plan isn't to be eaten by stuff_!" The villain mocked, using air quotes and a higher pitched voice. He put his hands on his hips defiantly. "That was merely a little setback. I had everything perfectly under control. No, I was out here calculating how to go about getting food. That is, until YOU came and interrupted me."

Rippen began walking away, when he noticed Larry and his alien steed following him. With a swift turn he stopped in his tracks to holler as loudly as he could.

"Quit following me! Don't you got anything better to do? Like, oh, somehow knit tea cozies for that happy little home you've made for yourself, _hmm_?"

"Aw, I already did that. I just thought-"

Rippen didn't even let Larry finish as he turned back around and marched off.

"WELL YOU THOUGHT WRONG!"

Larry sighed, merely watching his favorite person in the whole world walk into the unknown as he pet the nose of his dino-horse in comfort.

"There there, Chuck, everything is okay. He's just a bit headstrong, you know how that is. Rippen has everything under control, just like he said."

* * *

Rippen did not have everything under control. Stuck in a dark purple palm tree, he was busy fighting off a giant feline-esque boa constrictor with a stick. Oh, everything had been going so well! After leaving Larry in the forest he had sat down and contemplated what to do next. It didn't take long for the part-time villain to come up with the idea of egg hunting. It would have been nice; build himself a small fire, fry some eggs, and move on with his life. He had happened upon a nest in a clearing, and the eggs were so tiny that Rippen had assumed they were from a little bird or a lizard. But no, ooooh no: he had been wrong. Next thing Rippen knew, he was running away from a four foot tall snake creature!

All the way up a tree.

"Back, you hideous beast! BACK I SAY!"

The creature hissed, its slitted pupils gleaming, and it lunged upward. The man's only weapon snapped feebly in the monster's jaws, and Rippen's stomach sunk even further.

"Perhaps I should have gotten a bigger stick."

The unfortunate thing made another lunge, and Rippen had to snatch his leg away quickly. Sure, it had no teeth, but that gaping maw looked big enough to swallow him whole, and that tongue looked long enough to wrap around his throat-

Thinking about it would only make things worse. He had to focus, unless he wanted to become a meal for the second time that day. He glanced around as much as he could afford to, and came to the conclusion that running may be his best bet. The creature wasn't going to tire any time soon, and it would be up in the tree with him in no time.

Taking a literal leap of faith, Rippen jumped off of his spot from the purple palm. His landing had not been smooth, not in the slightest; but as he tumbled and rolled, he was able to spring off of his back and onto his feet. OH how the landing hurt his knees- the art teacher wasn't as young as he used to be, after all. However, Rippen had no time to dwell on it as he made a mad dash away from the snake creature.

The cat snake was quick to recover from the surprise and was following close on his heels.

"Oh, why must everything persist on trying to either chase or eat me today?!" Rippen yelled towards the heavens. He huffed and puffed as he continued to run, leaping over a teal boulder that was in his way- hoping it would slow down the alien after him. It did not.

The snake creature lunged, its cat-like jaws just barely missing catching its prey. Rippen screamed in terror- all composure gone as he did what he KNEW his pride would regret later.

He cried for his number two.

"LARRY!" Another lunge from the alien, and the villain dodged to the right. "Oh, oh Larry! Help! I NEED YOU, LARRY!"

Not watching where he was going, Rippen's foot caught onto a raised root sticking out of the ground- land flat on his face. Rippen tried crawling away, just enough until he could refind his footing, when a dark shadow loomed over him. Oh, this was it. He was done for. The villain looked up, his gaze locked with the jade eyes that would seal his doom.

A war cry, a blur, and the monster looming over him was gone. Rippen stared, dumbfounded, at the tussling mass of pale blue-grey dust.

"Was that Larry?" he asked, incredulously. Was Larry beating up a vicious wild animal? For him? That was actually kind of evil! He felt an unsettling mixture of awe, pride, and mild fear.

And then the tussle ended, the dust cleared, and whatever level of impressed Rippen had been was gone now. Larry was petting the ugly monster. The monster was purring.

"Ah, of course. I should have known. He's petting it into submission." Although disgusted and slightly disappointed, Rippen also felt gratitude- Larry's tactics might not have been very evil, or at most times even very reliable, but he did save him from being a hairball on someone's carpet.

"It was nice meeting you! You run along now, or slither, I guess, you do you!" Larry smiled at the thing as it slithered off, obviously contented. Rippen imagined the double finger guns his number two shot it were lost on the brainless monstrosity.

"Nice guy. Y'know, he reminds me a lot of this mountain lion I met one time. Have I told you that story?"

Rippen ignored his comment entirely as he instead raised a brow and asked his own question.

"Where in the world did you come from?"

"My mother." Larry answered simply. Rippen face-palmed in frustration, whatever gratitude he had previously felt melting away. Surely his minion wasn't obtuse enough to believe he REALLY wanted to hear a story about his birth.

"No, not that. I meant we must be miles away from the cave. How did you find me, and so quickly, too!"

"WELL, you see, " the principal began, tapping his fingers together against each other, "you had been gone for a reeeeally long time. I mean, long enough to be well past lunch AND tea time. And so I was like 'hey, I know Rippen said he could handle himself… but maybe I could at LEAST be there for moral support!' So I made these REALLY nifty pompoms, and set out on finding you. I would've used Chuck, but he found this girl- and you know how it is with kids and love." Larry paused to shrug. "So, yeah, I just went off on my own. I followed your footsteps, and then I suddenly heard this yelling. And I was like 'HUH, what a weird animal sound' but then I kept listening, and boy, it started to sound more and more like MY name. But what animal knows my name? I mean, no parrots here, right? Right, SO-"

"Oh for pete's sake, Larry, PLEASE just get to the end already." Rippen interrupted, pinching the brim of his nose- a headache coming on. The henchman smiled, not bothered by the rudeness in the least.

"Noooo problem, sugar. Can do! So, yeah, like I was saying, realized it was YOU calling for help, so I dropped my pompoms and ran for it. And taaa daaa, found you and the kitty-snake… or is it a cake? You know, cat plus snake. Do they prefer cake? Actually, I could go for some cake, myself."

At the mention of food Rippen's stomach growled, the noise loud enough to be heard by the chattering nincompoop. Larry gasped in horror.

"Oh no! That's right! You STILL haven't eaten yet, huh?" The principal reached out and grabbed onto the villain's hand, and began leading him back to where their temporary home waited for them. "Come on, big guy, let's go back and make you a big bowl of somethin'-somethin'."

A big part of Rippen begged him to refuse, but his stomach won out. Besides, he was exhausted, and he had already lost so many times today, what was the harm in admitting defeat one more time?

"Oh, alright. If it'll make you happy. But just for the record, I knew exactly what I was doing back there."

"Well of course you did, big guy!"

Rippen didn't appreciate the condescending pats on his hand he received, but sucked it up and allowed himself to be led back to their humble cave.

* * *

There was something very off putting about sitting in a false simile of a happy home. Rippen, who had been quiet all the way back to the cave as his minion rambled on and on, was escorted straight to the back of the structure- past the spot the villain had slept the night before, abandoning the rock he had claimed as his, as Larry led him to the loveseat. Rippen sat down on it with a loud thump, the furniture barely creeking despite being made from literal sticks. Oh it was comfortable, it was so much better than laying on the cave floor. And the fact it was made Rippen feel all the more defeated- his pride having been shot down like a majestic stag running away from a hunter's gun. It was a valiant effort, but ultimately pointless as he was still hurt in the end.

Rippen was torn away from his thoughts by a blanket of some sort of animal hyde draped around him. It smelled vaguely of leather, and the villain allowed himself to take in the warmth as Larry came from around the couch to address him.

"... What's this?" Rippen eyed the bowl being handed to him, and the grinning face behind it, suspiciously. Where had Larry found food? Where had me found bowls, for that matter?

"It's soup, silly!" Larry shoved the bowl into Rippen's hands, and he had no choice but to take it. There didn't appear to be any utensils, so he assumed he would be expected to slurp it up like a pig. _Lovely._

"I can _see_ that!" Rippen snapped. He tilted the bowl this way and that, watching the various lumps slide around in the broth. "Where did you get this stuff? Are you even sure it's safe to eat?"

He shivered at the lingering memory of the pear-things.

"Sure I'm sure!" Larry chirped, tilting his own bowl back into his mouth. "I'm on my second bowl already, and I'm not dead! 'Least I don't feel dead, anyway."

'Brain dead is more like it,' the villain couldn't help but muse to himself. Still, in any case, dare he eat it? Should he risk eating this alien concoction- he had planned on finding and eating off the planet, after all, and he knew for a fact Larry was rather talented when it came to making soup… Rippen's stomach violently growled once more, making up his mind for him. He lifted the bowl up to his lips before stopping.

"If this kills me, Larry, I demand you stay away from my funeral."

"But… there's nobody else here." The principal argued.

Rippen rolled his eyes, deciding not to tell him that was the point, and that he rather not be grieved by his would-be killer. And it was in that moment that the goblin-esque man took the plunge, ingesting the thick liquid. Rippen's eyes opened widely in surprise as the flavors hit his tongue like a warm tasty bath.

"This… this is wonderful." Rippen dived in for another huge gulp, his senses experiencing euphoria. "Oh, oh I can't believe how delicious this. It tastes like a pepperoni pizza!"

"I know, right, that's what I said!" Larry spouted, seeming to feed off of Rippen's excitement. Rippen wondered who exactly Larry had said that to, but didn't care enough to ask.

"Would seconds be out of the question, I wonder?" Rippen asked, hopefully, after finishing up his first bowl quickly.

"Comin' right up! You wait right here."

Rippen watched Larry as he grabbed his empty bowl and scurried away to fetch him more soup. He settled back into his seat, and sighed in contentment. Maybe being stranded on this planet for a little while longer wouldn't be so horrible, after all. Having Larry take care of him wasn't so bad, either- Larry seemed to know what he was doing for a change, and besides, wasn't that what a minion's job was, anyway?

Larry returned, and offered him his bowl back, a delicious, steamy aroma wafting up from it, and calming him further.

"You know, Larry, I..." Larry stared at him with those big doe eyes and clueless smile. Rippen sighed, and glanced down into his bowl, instead.

"Thank you. For, well, you know."

That shrug was enough to convey the message loud and clear. Larry's heart filled up with a warmth that radiated through his smile.

"Oh, sweetie, it's no big." The principal put down his bowl on the table, before sitting down next to Rippen. Closing his eyes, Larry relaxed into the couch before sighing in content. "Besides, you know I'd do anything for you."

_Rippen had to admit, even if it was just to himself, that he was eternally grateful of that fact._


	3. Making It Weird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strange things happen... Though not entirely unpleasant.

Waking up the following morning had been a much more pleasurable experience. Rippen had slept wonderfully on the loveseat- Larry insisting he take it as he decided to take the chair adjacent to it, saying something or another about how sitting up helped his heartburn problem. The villain was glad he had listened to him- having ignored the spiteful impulse to sleep back on his side of the cave just for the principle of it. Instead he woke up feeling refreshed. Something he hadn't felt in a long time, Rippen admitted to himself. Stretching with a little yawn, Rippen was surprised to see Larry right in front of him- holding a large leaf with three roasted fish on it in front of him.

"Riiiise and shine, sleepyhead- I made breakfast!"

Despite the number of additional eyes making the fish look freakish, the villain smiled as they smelled delicious.

"Fish for breakfast?" He asked, taking the leaf plate handed to him. He took in the aroma before continuing playfully. "What, no stack of pancakes and a cup of morning tea?"

A look of remorse flashed across Larry's face, strangely enough.

"I know! Trust me, I tried making pancakes, but the consistency was all wrong. I guess it's true what mom always said; fish really do make lousy pancake batter. Oh, well. Eat up! Today's gonna be a good one, I can feel it!"

Yes, it was strange, but Rippen felt it, too. The fish tasted just as good as they smelled. Being in such good spirits put the part time villain a little on edge, though... it was different, and Rippen wasn't a fan of different.

This was definitely the type of different he could get used to, though.

"So! I was thinking..."

Larry had his own leaf plate of fish, and he was sitting in the chair he had slept in. Rippen had been so caught up in the fish and his thoughts, he hadn't noticed Larry's return.

"There's this nice little beach not too far from here, and, hear me out, I was thinking we could go and hang out there today! Get a little sun, relax, maybe catch a few more fish for dinner, that sort of thing. What do you say? Sound like fun, or what?"

Rippen took the time to chew both his food and his thoughts, as he considered the proposition. His initial reaction was to instantly turn down the offer- beaches were against everything the villain stood for. They were bright and sunny- and sand had a nasty habit of getting into every crevice of his body. He was sure he probably smelled horrid as it was, did he really want to add getting sunburn and sand all up in his undergarments?

As he thought about it some more- and maybe this was from the influence of that dratted good mood- Rippen didn't see why he shouldn't risk it. It wasn't like there were people there to watch him be miserable. To take in and judge his every movement. And as he swallowed the last of his food he threw a glance at his number two- the roly-poly man watching him with big hopeful eyes. It was because of Larry that he was surviving at all, would it really be so bad to pay back his kindness and do something HE wanted to do for a change?

Yes, but he was ignoring it anyway.

"Oh, alright." Rippen replied with a sigh. " It's not like we have anything else to do on this measly planet."

"Alright then! It's a go!" Larry's giddy clapping made Rippen roll his eyes, but his small smirk betrayed them.

* * *

The beach was sprawling. Pale blue sand stretched for what seemed like forever, golden waves lapped at the shore. The sky was clear, the sun shone brightly. It was beautiful, it was serene...

It was disgusting.

Rippen grimaced at the scene in front of him, it really did look like something out of a child's television program. It even smelled sweet and fruity; not even the smell of fish and sea salt one might expect at a beach.

Larry didn't seem at all offended by this, but of course he wouldn't be. The moment they had reached the place, his puny companion had dashed on ahead, bouncing gracefully over sand that Rippen's hulking form sank into instantly, making walking a chore. Larry had come back multiple times to tell Rippen about something he had seen up ahead.

"Come on, this way! I found the perfect spot for our picnic!"

"Joy." The villain responded sarcastically, stepping over a pink crab that was scuttling by. It took a while, but Rippen finally made it towards the spot that Larry was waiting giddily. He was surprised to find the ground a bit more solid- no longer sinking as he stood there.

Larry dropped the things he had been carrying at Rippen's feet. The villain raised a brow.

"We're stranded in the middle of nowhere, how in the world did you find a ball?"

"I made it!" The minion piped up cheerfully. "Out of a bladder blown up with air!"

Larry's smile was far too natural to match those words. Rippen's eye twitched from disgust.

"Then where did you get a- you know what? No. Don't tell me. I don't want to know." The larger man took a deep sigh. " Next question: what sort of scheme do you have that requires your 'bladder ball', two poles, and vines? _Hmm_?"

"It's not a scheme, it's a game! Up for a little volleyball, big guy?"

Larry didn't wait for him to answer, which was probably for the best; there was a reason why Rippen had become an art teacher in lieu of a gym teacher.

The game was easy enough to set up, and only took a few moments. Rippen stared at the setup, unimpressed. It certainly didn't look very entertaining. Larry stood on the other side of the sad looking vine net, holding the disgusting bladder ball.

"Ready? Incoming!"

Rippen easily and effortlessly took a step to the side, avoiding being hit with the ball. Was that it? Larry frowned.

"No, no, you gotta hit the ball back, Rippen! See, I just got a point right there."

Rippen's eyes went wide. "You got a point? How is that fair, you missed me completely!"

"Exactly! The aim of the game is for your opponent to miss hitting the ball, get it?"

Larry's cheerful patience only frustrated Rippen more. He grunted, rolled his eyes, and retrieved the ball. Hit the ball over this vine here? Simple. The ball went up, and Rippen smacked it forcefully.

Larry jumped, and tried to hit it, but his short stature failed him. The ball bounced across the ground, rolling to a stop next to a rock.

"Nice one! Point goes to Rippen!" Larry called out, in a singsong tone, and chased after the ball.

"...It does? Oh, it does! That was me, I got that one! Haha, in your face!"

So the game went on like that- while Rippen hadn't known the rules, he was quick to pick up on it. It came natural for him, body moving purely by instinct as he attacked the ball. Larry was just as good at keeping up. Despite his short stature, he was able to spike the ball high up in the air and move fast on his feet. For a while they hit the ball back and forth, both catching it before it touched the ground. There was a moment when the shorter man had spiked it so high that it was going to land close to the net on the other side-just out of Rippen's reach. The villain, in his horror, cried out as he ran. He tripped, the ball smacking against his head before sending him to the ground.

The hit to the face made a violent sound, and Larry completely ignored the ball as he instantly went to Rippen's side.

"Oh no, are you okay?"

Rippen pulled himself up, pathetically, his dazed eyes blinked slowly.

"Did I… Did I make the point?"

His number two, though slightly confused, looked over his shoulder to check anyway.

"Huh, I guess you did. Congrats, you won the game!"

This was enough to wake the part-time villain from his stupor as a huge grin was plastered on his grey-ish mug.

"HA! I knew it, I KNEW I'D WIN!" Rippen began dancing in place, laughing heartily as he continued to be a sore winner. "You thought I didn't have it in me, didn't you? BUT JOKES ON YOU, LARRY! Oh, oh it feels so good to WIN for a change! HAHAHA!"

It was nice to see Rippen enjoying himself. It was a rare sight, and Larry was thankful every time he bore witness to it. Winning sure meant a lot to the guy... well, whatever made him happy!

"Congratulatory high five?" Larry offered, hopefully, holding up a tiny hand.

Rippen glared at the hand. Larry smiled wider. Rippen raised a brow. Larry kept on smiling.

"Oh, what's the harm?" Rippen gave in and returned the high five- and instantly regretted it when a sharp pain shot through his shoulder.

"Oof! Oh, that was painful."

"Oh my goodness!"Larry gasped. "You must have hurt yourself back there. Why don't you lie down for a little bit, and let your pal Larry take a look?"

The villain looked shocked and appalled, his face stretching in disgust at the very notion.

"You've got to be kidding me, I wouldn't let you touch me even if my very life depended on it."

"Aww, don't be like that, Rippen," Larry said with a frown. It quickly went back to his usual beam as he continued to try and persuade the other man to see reason. "No reason to be afraid, I won't hurt you- promise! Would it help if I also mentioned that I'm also a certified masseur? Sounds good, _ey ey_?"

The eyebrow wiggle just made Rippen feel all the more certain that it was the least appealing thing he had ever heard.

"What AREN'T you these days? I swear I'm finding out you have a new degree every other week."

The roly-poly man surprised him with his sudden- albeit gentle- touch, the villain flinching his arm away so fast that it sent a shooting pain directly to his shoulder blade with an extreme intensity. So much so that he cried out from it.

"GYAH! Alright, alright- I give in. I demand you fix this, seeing as it was YOUR stupid game that put me in this mess in the first place." It had intended to come out as extremely aggressive and spiteful, but Rippen hated himself all the more when it hit his ears more like a whine. Good lord, he was practically begging the man to touch him, to fix him. He wallowed in his embarrassment as Larry led him to a soft spot in the sand for him to lay down- it didn't take long before he was sinking in both.

"Okey dokey, remove your shirt please." Larry ordered with airs of innocence. Rippen glared.

" _No._ I said you could TOUCH me, that's it."

"But I'm a certified professional, remember?" The principal pouted.

"Oh, _and that's supposed to make me just strip, is it_?" Rippen retorted sarcastically.

Larry sighed, slumped, and shook his head, and Rippen had a sudden flash of realization at that moment- that was the same look he had, dealing with the children in his classroom... was he being childish? He supposed that maybe he was.

"Oh, fine, just... don't make this weird, alright?"

The undershirt came off, and Rippen made a face. He had been right about not smelling very nice. He planned on standing in his shower for at least four hours after all of this was said and done. He lay back down on his stomach, and did his best to pretend none of it was happening.

He came crashing back to reality seconds later when he heard Larry whistle. He snapped his head around to gape at his number two.

"What, what was that, is it bad?"

"Not bad at all." Larry replied. Rippen's startlement turned into a glare.

"Larry for- I told you not to make this weird!"

"Would you relax, I'm just teasing. Now lay back down, let me see what I can do..."

Rippen settled back down, begrudgingly, and turned his glare out to the vast yellow ocean. He really hoped that was just water out there.

"You made it weird, you know."

"Yes, I know, and I'm sorry." Larry's tone was that of a patient parent dealing with a grumpy child. "How's this feel? Am I in the right spot?"

Larry had, indeed, found the right spot. The part-time villain let out a hiss of pain as the smaller man pressed into his right shoulder blade. Rippen was just about to complain, when Larry- who was on his knees next to him- began brushing his fingers lightly over his skin. Rippen could feel the hairs on the back of his neck rise, and his skin prick in goosebumps as his nerves danced to life- suddenly hyper aware of every movement and touch from the other man. While it didn't hurt, an uneasiness grew inside him. He didn't like this. Even on a good day the villain adhered to not letting people touch him. Rippen wasn't a hugger, he wasn't the type to grab out to others when he was excited, or sad. Affection wasn't his thing, the villain had his personal bubble and he preferred to keep everybody out of it!

"Hey, none of that, Mister," Larry interrupted Rippen's thoughts with a tsk. "You're tightening your muscles. _Relax_. The point is to unwind and get the knots out, not make new ones!"

Rippen grumbled, but did as he was told- taking a deep breath. The faster he relaxed the sooner the whole ordeal would be over with, after all. He did this a few times and tried his best to clear his mind of all negativity- a lot easier said than done. It was by the sixth exhale that the trick began to work, as the villain's heart could be felt slowing down in his chest.

It was then that Larry began the actual massage. Starting from the bottom of his spine, the small hands gently- but firmly- pressed upwards, trailing towards the neck before swooping back down and grazing the shoulder blades. It wasn't exactly the smoothest action- skin on skin creating mild friction, no doubt that being the reason why massage oils and lotions were preferred for this sort of thing; however, Rippen couldn't help but be reminded of a paddle boat. The villain's body a ship as Larry trailed invisible oars, propelling them through the ocean's waves- taking him anywhere but there. There was a relaxing state to the movements and the imagery, and Rippen melted into the touch. He didn't even notice that his toes were clenching and unclenching in pleasure as he let out the tiniest of pleased sighs.

And just as soon as the enjoyable touch began, it ended. Rippen's eyes opened widely in alarm, as he looked over his shoulder- lifting his body off the ground in the slightest.

"You're stopping, why are we stopping?"

"I'm sorry Rippen, I'm just having a hard time at this angle." Larry admitted with apologetic eyes. He tapped his fingers together- the fingers that had just been giving Rippen that euphoric calm- as he looked slightly nervous. Larry went on. "Do you mind if I try something different?"

"Yes yes, _whatever_." Rippen replied as nonchalant as possible- trying not to show his eagerness in getting back to the massage. He laid back down on his stomach, arms crossed and nestling his head as a makeshift pillow. "Just get on with it, would you?"

Larry didn't have to be told twice, and the next thing the villain knew he had his number two straddling the lower half of his back. When the massage began again, at a much more convenient angle this time, it only lasted a split second, before Larry took his hands away and frowned at the back of Rippen's spiky head.

"Rippen, what did I say about relaxing? I can't do anything when you're all tense like that!"

"Well I hardly see how that's my fault; you're sitting on me for crying out loud!"

A short silence followed, in which neither of them knew what to say. Then, finally,

"Do you want me to stop? Because I can-"

"No! Uh, I mean, carry on, I'll... _manage_."

And manage he did. After a minute or two, his muscles relaxed, and Larry went back to work, using that magical touch to wash away all of Rippen's aches, pains, worries, and basic common sense.

' _This isn't so bad…_ ' Rippen thought to himself. ' _As far as being stranded on a deserted alien planet in a completely different dimension goes... this is pretty nice._ '

There was a certain intimacy with them being the only humanoids on Omeprazole. Sure, Larry was usually the only company he kept anyway- though not by choice, even then. But the fact that his very survival depended on the man who was kneading away decades of stress off his very flesh gave the villain a different sort of feeling than what he was used to. He couldn't say it was lack of annoyance- there had been many a times during this ordeal that Rippen had been annoyed. Nor was it anger or fear he was feeling- though he had certainly felt that as well. It was… It was contentment. It was the sense of being happy, despite the horrible situation. And it was from his minion's own bringing- if he had continued his original plans the villain would have still have been just as miserable as the moment he first discovered they were trapped on the planet.

No, Rippen was happy. Honest to goodness happy, and pleased to be there- right at the moment- with Larry there, ever faithful. As his minion continued to massage his back, he found a part of his mind wishing they could be there forever- just the two of them like that until the end of their days.

And it was in that moment that Rippen's eyes opened up in alarm, as a familiar tremble overcame him- his vision blinded by red as he was ripped away from his happiness and brought back to the real world.

The room was deadly silent as Rippen lay on his stomach on the teleportation pad. He hadn't yet dared face his shame, but his shame spoke up anyway.

"Am I interrupting something?"

When Larry hopped off of the villain's back and opened his mouth to answer, Phil shook his head.

"Do not answer, was rhetorical question. I do not care."

Rippen finally climbed to his feet, eyes still fixated on the floor. He couldn't remember ever being so embarrassed before. He also couldn't remember ever feeling so disappointed before. How strange.

"Ah, yes, it's good to be back, and off of that dreadful planet. It was awful, really." Rippen tried his best to sound convincing, his arms folded over his chest to cover his partial nudity- before realizing he was back wearing his usual attire.

"Aw come on now, was it really that bad?" Larry piped in. " You seemed pretty content back there when I was rub-"

Rippen's hand slapped over the smaller man's mouth, and not kindly. Phil raised a brow at Rippen.

"Eh heh, yes, well, we must be going, plenty of work to catch up on, you know, bye now!"

The two left before any more questions could arise. Once outside Rippen quickly dropped his hand, retracting it so fast as his awkwardness and embarrassment over the situation made his desire for physical contact even less than usual. The villain glared.

"Must you REALLY open your big gaping maw every time somebody speaks to you?"

Rippen found his glare slip in the slightest when he was hit by the genuine sadness that washed over the smaller man's usually chipper face.

"But… Phil asked us a question."

"It was rhetorical!" The part-time villain snapped back. "And in any case, did you stop to think that _maybe_ I didn't want that shared with anybody else? _Hmm?_ Did you? I'm a private person, I don't like my affairs just shouted from the rooftops for all to hear."

The hurt expression slipped away as it was replaced by that of understanding. Larry's eyes lit up in excitement.

"Ooooh, so you want it to be a SECRET!"

Rippen crossed his arms over his chest- partially from annoyance, but also because his brain couldn't stop tricking the villain into forgetting he was back to being fully clothed.

"Yes, Larry," he said with a strained sigh, " I would rather it be kept between the two of us."

There was a pause before the principal broke the silence.

"Oh, honey, you should know I'm TERRIBLE at keeping secrets." Rippen growled, and Larry threw his hands up in appeasement. "Buuut, for you, big guy? I'll try! So, then what's next? We haven't had lunch yet, how does that sound? It would be my treat- OH! Then afterwards we could TOTALLY go to my place and watch this movie I found! It makes no sense to me, something about an iguana fighting a moth or something- I swear, it's almost like it's in another language!"

By now they had gotten to Rippen's car. He grumbled as he swiped a parking ticket from under his windshield wiper, and climbed into the driver seat. Larry hopped in on the other side, buckling up as soon as he was seated.

"Actually, Larry, if it's all the same to you, I think I'd rather just... go home, maybe contemplate my life choices for awhile."

There was an excited gasp from the other side of the car.

""Really? Oh goodie! I just love your place, it's so cozy!""

Rippen made a face that clearly expressed his disgust.

"That's not what I meant. I want to go home to be alone."

Rippen caught Larry's awe struck, hopeful expression out of the corner of his eye. It didn't falter.

"Alone. Without you."

And there it went, the expression crumbled. Rippen was almost sad to see it go, why was that?

"Oh, I gotcha. Me to my place, you to yours, separately. Not together."

"Yes, precisely."

Rippen was quick to start the car, genuinely happy that it came to life with no hitch. With his luck, as of late, he wouldn't have been surprised if he was forced to walk home- spending even MORE time in the company of his number two… HUH, actually, that didn't sound as unappealing as the villain thought it would… Shaking his head to get rid of the pesky notions, Rippen put the car into drive and pushed the gas pedal- his brain doing its best to focus on the task at hand. They had been on the road, going towards Larry Manor, when Rippen finally realized that the constant buzzing in the background wasn't buzzing at all- Larry had been talking. And by the time Rippen came back to the present he nearly ran a red light as he caught the tail end of the principal's ramblings.

"- And that's the time I helped the Duke of Anjou with this wicked knot he had in his back. Me and Louis are still penpals, too!" A sigh. "You know, we never DID finish that massage. I could still take care of that, if you want. Just saying."

The sigh from the driver's seat was long, and spoke volumes of exhaustion, and was Rippen's only reply. When Larry could no longer take the silence, he tried again.

"Is that a yes?"

"Goodbye, Larry."

"Huh?...Oh! Would you look at that, home already! I didn't even notice. Isn't it funny how you just get so wrapped up in friendly conversation, that you don't even-"

"GoodBYE, Larry."

Ah, he was getting the look. Larry offered one last smile, unbuckled himself, opened his door, and slid out. He stood on the curb and waved until he couldn't see the car anymore.

"Bye."

* * *

Home at long last did not feel the way Rippen had expected it to. His apartment was dark, quiet, it was his comfort zone. But as he sat, staring blankly at a stain on the wall, Rippen came to realize that it no longer felt right.

"It's so... empty." he told the otherwise empty room, the statement more intrigued than upset. The room offered no argument. How peculiar. Here the whole weekend he had complained and begged to every evil god that dared to listen that he wanted to come home, to go back to his old life. How he had begged to be surrounded by dulled blues and greys, rather than vibrant technicolors. But here, his home, was dark. It was lonely. It was quiet, where he could only vaguely hear a neighbor's dog barking a few doors down the hall. There were no alien locus crying at all hours, where their cries were instead replaced by the neverending hum of technology. Where there was once the constant chattering of his number two, there was nothing. Nothing to replace it at all. It took a few hours of wallowing in his confusion, lying awake in bed after cleaning himself up, before Rippen came to one dreadful conclusion…

He REALLY wished Larry was there.


	4. A Sudden Change

Rippen detested Mondays. He despised them with such a deep passion that every week that they rolled around, the art teacher found himself with yet another broken alarm clock as he ripped the device from the wall and threw it on the ground. It smashed, sufficiently breaking into pieces and killing the dreaded alarm. The following day would be fine, as he would christen its new brother into the world with a much more gentle touch- Tuesday were always milder in emotions, as the fate of yet another week had already begun to set in. But no, it wasn't yet Tuesday, or a Wednesday, or the beloved Saturday where Rippen wouldn't have to set the alarm at all. No, it was a Monday which meant it was time to start getting ready for work.

It was all the more unwanted as it dawned on the villain that he didn't even get a proper weekend to enjoy himself- not that he ever did, but he would have liked the opportunity of alone time at the very least! Rippen paused himself mid-journey to the bathroom as he suddenly recalled the day before- and the intimate moment he shared with his minion. Ah, well… maybe he had enjoyed himself a little. Maybe even more than a little, but that was all besides the point! The point was that he would HARDLY call being trapped on a planet from another dimension the perfect weekend vacation.

"Hmm." Rippen rolled his right shoulder, testing it. The pain was mostly gone. He had to admit, he was slightly impressed. That massage really had done him some good, it seemed.

"There's nothing wrong with admitting that, it felt nice." He told the accusing voices in his head, and his empty apartment. "Larry is a professional, that makes it... not weird." He was lying to himself. He knew it.

The ride to work was a comfortable one, if nothing else. The stuffy, suffocating confines of his apartment fell away there, and he felt more at ease than he had that morning and the night before. When he caught himself actually listening to Larry's rambling story enough to reply to it, the principal had stared at him, smiled, and carefully asked him if he was feeling alright.

"Hm? Yes, yes, fine. It just feels good to get back into my old routine, I suppose."

Larry looked thoughtful for a moment, looking at his hands and twiddling his thumbs as he contemplated… something. Rippen hadn't the slightest what, but the silence was beginning to cause him unease. The villain was just about to ask HIM if he was alright, when Larry finally broke out of the strange spell that had befallen him- his usual beam returning.

"Yeah, I guess it was nice to get home. Tony, Matthews, and Fredricks were sooo worried. Like, to the point Tony wouldn't even TOUCH his peanuts!" The principal had his hands on his cheeks as he squished his face in concern. "I swear he must have lost a whole pound while I was gone! Oh, I just feel AWFUL that my elephant baby was in so much pain!"

Rippen's eyes were half lidded as he threw a sideways glance at the other man next to him.

"Not to be vulgar… but are you sure he didn't just use the restroom before you weighed him or something? A pound hardly seems like something to bat an eye at, _really_."

"Yeah I guess so, but it's just like that when you have little ones to look after, you know? You just worry about them all the time!"

"No, Larry, I can't say I would know."

Rippen was shocked when he was met with silence from the other side of the car. He glanced over, partly out of worry, partly confusion. Larry was staring at him, with a thoughtful expression. Rippen didn't like it.

"What, what is that look for?" he demanded.

"Hm? Oh, nothin', I was just thinking about how nice it is to have a two-way conversation for once. Isn't it nice? We need to take weekend vacations more often! I know this great place, down in-"

And that was when Rippen's attention span decided it was more useful elsewhere. His mind began to wander again. His mind didn't stop wandering until he was in his classroom, and a crumpled up wad of paper bounced off his face. Jerked out of his thoughts, the art teacher searched to see where the trash had come from- when it dawned on him that he wasn't alone. As in, his classroom was filled with his first series of students of the day.

And there Penn Zero was, looking smug as the teenage abomination waved at him. Rippen glowered.

"Are you TRYING to tick me off first thing in the morning, boy?"

It was the larger friend of the teen that spoke up, a look of genuine surprise on his face.

"WOAH! He knew it was you!"

The hero glared.

"Way to sell me out, Boone. "

"What? He already knew it was you anyway." Boone put his focus back onto the teacher. "Are you, like, psychic or something? Dude, what am I thinking about now?"

Rippen rolled his eyes at the idiocy.

"Oh, I don't have time for this nonsense! Everybody just get out your sketchbooks so I can make sure you at least ATTEMPTED to draw something…" He paused as he added as an afterthought. " Not that it will be any good, mind you. I've lost hope on you horrid gremlins long ago."

Rippen deliberately avoided Penn's desk, preferring the long way around to avoid speaking with the boy for as long as he possibly could. He was sure he was full of wit about him not showing up for work once that weekend. He could see the red headed nuisance waving his hands in the air wildly, trying to get his attention, and he ignored him expertly.

"Awful, dreadful, anatomy doesn't work that way, uhg what were you thinking, oh please." He only glanced at most of them, scribbling down barely passing grades just so he wouldn't have to see these kids again the following year.

He finally reached Penn's desk, and he wasn't surprised to see he didn't even have his sketchbook out. He sat comfortably in his seat, feet up on his desk, grinning up at his teacher. Oh, how he wished he could annihilate that loathsome grin forever.

Some day, Rippen. Some day.

"Do you have your assignment from the weekend, or am I going to add your namesake to your grades?" The art teacher asked, purposefully doing everything in his power not to look as his youthful enemy as he stared at his clipboard instead. He failed in his one task as the scoffing from the lad caught his attention.

"Oh, don't you worry, Rip. I did the assignment." Penn sat up in his seat, feet finally hitting the floor, as he rooted through his bag and found his assigned sketchbook. With an exaggerated flourish, he slapped it onto the desk. "I hope you don't mind, but I drew more than one thing."

"I only need to see one, _thank you_." Rippen venomously spat out. His blood only boiled all the more as the teenager tsked at him.

"No no, see, I WANT you to see them all- considering you were my muse, my inspiration!" He began flipping through the book- taking his sweet time. He continued to speak as he leafed through it. "You see, on Saturday, after we wondered why you didn't show up to get your butt kicked, we heard ol' Phyllis had a little chat with your good buddy Phil…"

The teacher's eyes widened momentarily, before he sighed heavily- sounding more like a growl than a sound of defeat.

"Oh no," Rippen said, pinching the brim of his nose to fight the headache he felt coming on. " _You know._ "

Penn smiled widely, as if he was holding back the biggest dirtiest joke inside of him- it just waiting to burst out.

"See, this first one I'm calling, ' _Rippen eats something gross and gets food poisoning.'_ "

"Fascinating."

"Right? And this next one, ' _Rippen Gets Eaten by a Giant Plant Monster'._ "

Rippen's suddenly wild eyes whipped between the paper and Penn's grinning face, his mouth agape.

" _How did you know about that?_ "

"Huh, you mean that actually happened? No way, oh, wait, here what about this one, did this one happen? Pleeaase say this one happened."

Rippen didn't even bother looking at that one. He just snatched the pad from his student, flipped it shut, and slammed it down on the kid's desk.

" _I've seen enough_ , I'm giving you an F minus minus. ... Minus."

"Harsh." Boone piped in. "I think you just beat my record, dude."

"No kidding." Sashi, the usually more reserved of the group of heroes, added. Whatever the teen answered with, the teacher wasn't listening as he went on to instruct the class.

"Now that we've further established that the small fraction of the brain in use by all of you is still not absorbing an ounce of knowledge from my teachings, let's continue to the next lesson: perspective. Finding it and using it. Take out your textbooks and turn to page 74, if you would."

Or don't, Rippen didn't care either way as he did his best to just mindlessly do his job. If he was in luck it would be lunch in no time, and then he and Larry would meet up- and following that it would be two hours until school was out for the day. The thought of his number two momentarily brightened his mood, though he hadn't the foggiest reason why. He always met up with Larry, it was their routine, their thing. Nothing special about it- most days he couldn't even stand the constant chattering as he tried to eat his meal. And now he was looking FORWARD to it?

What in the world was going on?

Besides the usual pesterings of the Zero boy, the first class flew by, then quickly followed into the second and third. And by the time the bell rang, signalling the end of the fourth class- Rippen let out a sigh he didn't realize he was holding as he shut his book with a loud clap.

"That's it, you heard the bell- off with all of you." The art teacher opened his door, nearly being trampled as the teenagers ran out of the room- as if their lives depended on it. Not that Rippen was complaining- the faster they left, the sooner he could get to his own lunch. He checked the clock over the door with a hum.

And right on time, at 12:15, the principal was walking through his door.

"And how's my favorite part-time villain today?" Larry cooed. The man's good spirits never seemed to waver, but today that didn't seem to bother Rippen all that much.

"Oh, better I suppose, now that I'm free of those cretins for the day."

Larry frowned, although those never lasted long on his jolly mug.

"Oh, were the kids a little rowdy today?"

Rippen scoffed as he grabbed his overcoat, and they headed out the door.

"I couldn't tell you. You know how it is when it comes to dealing with children, brain turns off, auto pilot goes on."

It was unusual for his big pal to be sharing so much, and so freely, but he was quickly learning to soak it in. Larry beamed.

"Nope, I have no idea what that must be like." He replied, tone a little too optimistic to match the words. Rippen sighed.

"No, of course you wouldn't, would you. You actually like those little monsters."

"Gaww, c'mon Rip, you don't REALLY think they're all that bad!" The look from his taller companion as they walked down the halls and towards the exit told him that he really did. He meant it a lot. Larry switched gears. "Well, in any case, they don't mean to be trouble, you know. They're just like excited puppies. They're learning, finding new stuff about the world all the time! And so if they get out of control, or you find out they chewed your slippers, or made a piddle all over your brand new rug… It's not to be MEAN or anything."

Rippen scoffed as he held open the door, the principal genuinely surprised when he allowed his minion to go first.

"Please don't tell me you've had a student that actually DID any of that. I already despise them, I don't need the fear of them ruining my classroom in NEW ways."

"Well, actually… There was a Mr. Marcus Stevens." Larry shook his head in sympathy. "Poor kid, he was way too young to be having bladder troubles."

The part-time villain genuinely laughed, and it was music to the shorter man's ears. They continued with their good mood the rest of the way to the local sandwich shop, where they liked to get lunch from time to time. The rest of the week was much of the same, Rippen's attitude in surprisingly good spirits- even despite the continuous failures on their missions. The art teacher had changed, maybe it went unnoticed by the students, or even their fellow co-workers, but Larry knew. He could see it in the way he walked, the way he was engaged in their conversations. And oh, Larry was NOT going to ignore those small smiles the villain gave when he thought his number two wasn't watching. He didn't get it, but he hoped, even if it was a long shot, that…

That maybe Rippen was starting to like the principal just as much as Larry liked him. And it was with that hope in mind that Larry couldn't hide his excitement as Friday rolled around and the taller man finally accepted his invitation to go out to dinner after work.

It wasn't a super fancy place, but it wasn't their everyday sandwich shop, either. Luckily, Rippen always dressed as if he were attending a pristine restaurant, anyway. Larry watched his friend from across the table, as he placed his napkin on his lap, but tried not to be too obvious about it.

"What, have I got something on my face already, the meal hasn't even arrived yet."

He failed at not being too obvious about it, apparently.

"Oh! No, you're lookin' great! You really shine in places like this, you know that?"

"Oh, please... _you really think so_?" Rippen couldn't stop the small smile that flattery brought about. He tried checking himself out in the fancy mirror on the wall, without being too conspicuous about it.

"Hm, so I do. You know, Larry, I've been thinking lately. I think I finally know what my life's been missing."

"Missing?" Larry asked, raising a brow and smirking."Who said anything was missing?"

Rippen sighed, and began fiddling with a sugar packet on the table.

"It's just that... ever since our little... getting marooned on another planet fiasco, I've come to realize that perhaps I could do with a little... companionship. Someone who's always there for me, an intimate other. You understand, don't you?"

The shy smile that Rippen flashed his way had Larry's heart beating wildly in his chest. Suddenly he couldn't breathe. Was this really happening? All he could do was smile and nod in reply, eyes wide and sparkling.

"Larry, I can't believe I'm asking you of all people this, but..."

"No, no, ask away, lay it on me, big guy!"

Rippen took a deep breath, before quickly spitting out his words so fast that the principal had trouble keeping up. When the villain saw the confused look on his number two's face, he glared slightly.

"Don't tell me you're going to make me say it again!"

"Sorry, but I honestly didn't catch any of that." Larry replied with genuine remorse. It was his turn to hold his breath as he waited for the words he had been waiting for YEARS to hear:

"Would you… please set me up on a date?"

Huh… Larry always thought they would have sounded different. In fact, the way he phrased it, it didn't sound like Rippen was asking him out at ALL!

"A date, huh?" Larry carried on, ever hopeful as he tried to play it off as if he was only MILDLY curious. "Anybody you got in particular in mind? A close friend? Somebody you know from work? _Maaaaybe a little of both_?"

The part time villain raised a brow at this, but remained silent as the waiter came to refill his glass of ice water. He cleared his throat in order to dispose of some of his embarrassment on the subject.

"Uh, none of the above, actually. I don't have anyone in mind. I just figured you were a more likable fellow, a, er, ' _people person_ '," Rippen said this in air quotations, not liking the phrase coming from his own tongue. "So, maybe… you knew of a woman that might be right for me?" The part time villain looked away, holding his head in his hands as if the act would save whatever pride he had left as he sighed. " _Oh, what am I doing?_ I feel ridiculous even asking!"

"Oh, a woman! Haha. Right, of course."

If Larry ever considered being an emotional man a bad thing, now would have been that time. Rippen's words shattered his poor heart into a million pieces, and hot tears were on their way.

Except, there were more important matters to attend to now, weren't there? Rippen had asked for his help, and by golly, Larry would never let his best friend down in his time of need. Right. Crying, later. Helping Rippen, now.

"Rippen, finding someone willing to date a great guy like you should be a piece of cake!"

Rippen dared to peek out between his fingers.

"You think so?"

"I know so! You just let 'ol Larry take care of everything. I gotcha covered, Big Guy."

That was enough to make the goblin-esque man sit back up in his seat, all unease from the topic washing away as a genuine smile hit his face. It was pure happiness, and despite his hurt feelings Larry couldn't help but love seeing it there all the same. Rippen spoke up, breaking his minion out from his stupor.

"I don't say this often, and don't expect to hear it ever again, but… thank you. You're the best number two a villain could ask for."

Larry gently placed his hands over the larger ones across from him. Though he felt his lips tremble through his beam, and his eyes sting from unshed tears, the principal whispered just loud enough for the other man to hear.

"You should know by now, sugar… I'd do ANYTHING to make you happy."

_Even if that was finding you happiness with another._


	5. An Awkward Proposition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rippen admits to past dating woes, and Larry decides to help.

Yet another weekend passed- one Rippen could happily admit didn't involve being stranded or eaten. It was strange, though, where the part-time villain usually latched onto whatever alone time he could… he found himself hating being alone in his apartment more and more. Where it was once a safe haven from the annoyances of the outside world, his home practically overnight had become a prison and constant reminder of his loneliness. Rippen would never admit it if he was asked, he could barely admit it to himself… but he had honestly wished his minion had asked him to join him after work on Saturday. Or maybe called and asked him out for lunch on the day after, Sunday being the only time Rippen didn't have to leave bed at all if he so chose it.

No, instead the part-time villain spent his time doing everything he could to think of anything BUT what Larry- his incompetent goody-goody minion, one he usually loathed- was up to.

Monday eventually came, giving Rippen the relief he was looking for after his day of withdrawal. For once, he was almost looking forward to spending the day teaching class after class of hopeless children- at least they would be a distraction. That was likely why he had decided to leave for work a little early, and why he now found himself with too much free time to spare, pacing back in forth in front of his desk. It did little to ease his anxious mind.

"Well someone was an early birdy this morning!"

Rippen whipped around to see Larry standing in the doorway, that ever present smile on his face. The part time villain nearly tripped over the trash can in his haste to greet him.

"Larry, there you are!"

The principal's heart jumped in his chest at Rippen's apparent excitement to see him. Had he really missed him that much over the weekend?

"Oh? Did you miss me?" Larry fluttered his eyelashes in jest. Well, mostly in jest. Rippen frowned, and rolled his eyes.

"Yes yes, sure, now out with it. Did you find me a nice woman, or not?"

Ah, of course. Larry sighed, but his smile barely wavered. He was getting good at that.

"As a matter of fact, I did. She's smart, she's pretty, she's evil, and a bunch of other great things on your qualifications list!"

Rippen began to be thrilled, and stopped along the way to be confused, instead.

"And what do you know about my qualifications?" he asked, tone deadpan.

"It's all here on your dating profile, silly!" Larry replied, waving around a piece of paper. Rippen snatched it, and began reading it over. His jaw hung open when he realized he was holding the dating agency form he had filled out a year prior and never had the guts to send in.

"But... I... wha... where did you find this?!"

Larry shrugged innocently.

"In your garbage can, that seemed like a weird place to file something that important, but I made sure to keep it safe."

The part time villain raised a brow at this.

"What were you doing rooting through my trash can to begin with?"

"Oh, I was looking for my keys." Larry responded as if that answered everything.

"...Follow up question, what were your KEYS doing there?"

"I accidentally dropped them when I was looking for your hot plate to borrow. You know your hot plate, right? The one that you left in your desk? The one Phil got you for your birthday?" The principal didn't wait for a response as he went on. "WELL, I was grabbing that on my way out when my keychain fell out of my pocket. And whoops! Landed RIGHT in your garbage can. Good thing, too, or else the janitor would have thrown your form away. We REALLY need to get you a filing cabinet so you don't misplace stuff like this!"

Rippen sighed, suddenly remembering why he tended to find his number two so infuriating. However, he mentally brushed those feelings to the side- he needed Larry's help, after all. And it was with that in mind that the art teacher cleared his throat as he brought them back on track.

"So… does this mystery lady have a name?"

A simple question, and yet a look of confused shock fell over Larry's face.

"Well gee, I hope so. But uh, I don't seem to recall that being on your qualifications list."

Rippen pressed the palm of his hand to his forehead, counted to three, and breathed.

"Larry, _please tell me you got her name._ "

"Aw, I'm just messin' with you, Big Guy. Sure I got her name! Ursula Jones, author of three bestselling novels!"

Rippen gasped, eyes wide and full of wonder and disbelief.

"Ursula Jones? _THE Ursula Jones?_ You must be joking!"

Larry's delighted expression matched Rippen's. It looked as if his pal was pleased! Score one for Larry!

"I'm not joking! You've heard of her, then?"

" _Never in my life!_ But if she's a famous author, well, I can't very well go wrong now, can I?"

The principal joyously watch as Rippen bounced in place- almost as if his very excitement would propel him into the air and straight to the moon. However, all giddiness instantly left the part-time villain as he suddenly came crashing back down to earth, a look of horror on his face. Larry became concerned.

"Everything alright, sweetie?"

"No, no it's really not." Rippen began chewing his manicured nails in his nervous state, which told the roly-poly man that it was a doozy. The villain went on. "In all my eagerness, I completely forgot that I'd actually be GOING on a date."

Larry chuckled.

"Yeah, so? That's how dating works, _silly_. You, _you know_ , actually take them out on dates, buy them chocolates, and other nice things!"

"Oh, do you think I'm THAT ignorant?! I KNOW! I just…" This is where Rippen grew quiet, his lips barely moving as he mumbled out his problem. Larry strained to hear.

"You're allergic to pastrami on rye?"

"What? No. I said…" Rippen scrunched his eyes closed tightly, as he gritted out the rest of his response from his teeth. "Ah'm ervis n' ates."

"You're Ervin von Drake?" Larry questioned. "I'm sorry, Rippen, but I am REALLY bad at this guessing game."

No kidding. Larry's incompetence, mixed with the bigger man's embarrassment, caused his frustrations to double. With a growl, Rippen balled his hands into fists as he shouted at the top of his lungs.

" _I'm nervous on dates!_ THERE, I said it! HAPPY NOW?!" The art teacher turned away with a huff, doing his best to hide the blush on his face- hopefully it was taken as being steamed rather than having just trampled on his pride. Rippen sighed, as he went ahead and spilled everything.

"You should know by now that I'm not the best when it comes with people. I don't tend to have feelings for others often- well, ones that aren't negative anyway- and I… haven't gone on many dates. All the ones I have gone on never went farther than there. One date, and women want to forget it ever happened. _Not that I blame them_ , mind you, I really am a wreck in that regard."

Being a hundred percent honest must have had its toll on the villain, as the next thing the principal knew, Rippen was behind his desk as he practically collapsed into his chair. He looked so weak, so timid. This was not the passionate man Larry had fallen in love with. In his place was a man whose heart and hope had been crushed far too many times to count. Someone who was scared, and if Larry didn't do anything soon, Rippen would retreat and close himself off yet again.

The part time villain rested his head on his desk.

"Maybe we should just call this all off…"

"No."

The uncharacteristic firmness in Larry's tone was enough to grab Rippen's attention. He glanced up from where he sat.

"No? What do you mean, no?"

"I mean, I spent all this time finding you this woman, and I'm not going to let you sit there and tell me she isn't about to be the luckiest woman on Earth."

Rippen watched as Larry hoisted himself up to sit on the edge of his desk.

"So, you get a little nervous, that's fine! Everyone gets a little nervous over something. Heck, I still can't get within ten feet of that pig animatronic down at Pete's Pastrami without getting the willies."

Rippen stared at the little man sitting on his desk. He stared hard, as if he might be able to figure out the enigma that was Larry's mind if he stared hard enough.

"Larry, what are you even talking about? I hardly see how that in any way relates to my situation."

" _Oh, yeah_ , the chicken, dog, and cow are just fine. That pig though? There's something unsettling in those lifeless, plastic eyes. I just don't trust him, _nuh-uh_ , no way."

Rippen propped his head on in his hand on the desk, and glared tiredly.

"Yes, yes, _fine_. Could we possibly get back to me and _my_ problems now?"

"Oh!" You could almost see the light coming back on in there, Rippen thought. "Right, so, I was thinking, ' _why don't we go on a practice date_ '? That way, you'll know what to say, and maybe you'll be less nervous on your real date!"

"A practice date? ... Us? As in _you and I_?"

"Sure! It'll be great. I can even wear a dress and wig, if it would make you feel better."

Rippen sneered.

"That would most definitely not make me feel better."

An awkward silence followed. The hum of the classroom's air conditioner hummed in the background. Larry fiddled with a loose eraser on Rippen's desk.

"... Would you mind if I wore the dress and wig anyway?"

The look on the teacher's face told him that yes, he minded. He minded a lot. Rippen rolled his eyes.

"Besides, if anyone was going to wear a dress, I would think it would be me. You hardly have the figure for it, now do you?"

Instead of being offended, Larry's face lit up in excitement.

"Oh, you're absolutely right. I would MUCH rather see you in heels!"

"Larry… are you making fun of me?"

"No, never!" The principal replied with a look of horror on his face. Pity. Rippen almost marked that down as a sign of potential evil in his goody two-shoes of a minion. In any case, the villain thought the original proposition over.

"So… say I DID consider the nonsensical notion you came up with about us going out together… How in the world would that help me? We go out for lunch all the time."

"But we don't go out with you THINKING it's a date. That's just you wanting some fresh air to help recharge your batteries, barely even a work outing. C'mon, man, THINK: you're used to me. And you KNOW I would never EVER judge you. Why not test it out on me? That way we can work through all the stuff that usually makes you nervous and I can point out whatever you might need to… freshen up on?" Larry offered. He couldn't imagine WHAT Rippen would need help with, though, besides maybe rolling back the attitude a smidge. He already was doing MUCH better in the listening department!

Despite Rippen's stubborn nature, he honestly saw no real downside to the idea. No one had to know it was supposed to be a date, right? And it was impossible to embarrass himself in front of someone as hopeless as Larry, anyway.

"Well... I suppose it wouldn't hurt anything."

Case and point as Larry did a silent air pump and whispered "Yes!". You really couldn't get more awkward than that. The tiny man proceeded to re-position himself on the desk, and leaned in uncomfortably close. Rippen leaned back in his chair. Larry smelled like cinnamon. Why did Larry always smell like cinnamon?

"Well, go ahead, ask me out!"

Rippen was taken so off guard that he didn't even think to argue.

"Oh! Right, yes, of course. Ah." He cleared his throat, and averted his eyes, already feeling unnecessarily nervous. "Larry, would you, perhaps, mind, that is. if you're free this evening I was wondering..."

His inability to do even this correctly turned his frustration into anger. He stood up so abruptly, it made Larry flinch.

"Oh, this is ridiculous!"

"No!" Larry hopped off the desk, going around it as he gently pushed the other man back into his chair. Rippen, confused, found himself going along with it as he sat back down. The villain leaned back far in his seat as the principal was suddenly in his face and in his personal bubble. Larry went on. "No, you were doing great, buddy. Just take a deep breath, count to ten, and try again."

Rippen wanted to argue, but the encouraging- if slightly intense- look was enough to let that impulse die. His heart beat faster in his chest, the villain assuming it was from just how awkward the situation was. Rippen glared, before rolling himself back some just to get some distance between them.

"ALRIGHT! Alright, fine, I'll do it- just stop LOOKING at me like that!" He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath as his thumbs and middle fingers touched. He exhaled slowly, counting in his head as the racing of his heart slowed. ' _He was relaxed, he was calm_ ', he kept telling himself. Finally, keeping his eyes closed, Rippen tried again.

"Larry, would you like to go out with me this evening?"

Larry, unable to contain his excitement and not caring to, squealed and clapped with delight.

"Yes, that was perfect! Oh, I just knew you could do it. And, by the way,"

A look of horror crossed Rippen's face when Larry stretched up to tickle him under his chin, giving him a look that sent confused signals through his mind and down his spine.

" _I'd be delighted to, sugar_."

Before Rippen could slap his number two away like a pesky fly, he was gone, out of his personal bubble, and already sauntering out the door. He peeked back in, and fluttered his eyes.

"And I'll see you tonight, honey bunch."

Rippen stared at the empty doorway, a look of confused distaste on his face. Larry had gotten a little bit _too_ into that, but when didn't he? He continued to stare, lost in thought, dread fighting a peculiar sense of excitement, until the kids filed into his classroom half an hour later.


	6. The Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Larry tries to show Rippen what a life with him would be like.

After school came far faster than Rippen had anticipated. He had been quiet the whole way from Middleburg Central High to Fishstick on a Stick- Larry having been more than happy to counter it with updates on what had happened since lunch. Once inside the restaurant, it didn't take long before they had been zapped into Dinosaur Cowboy World. Being transported just outside of Big Butte, Rippen quickly grabbing onto the scruff of his minion's poncho as he dragged them behind the nearest rock formation. Luckily none had seen them. They already had to worry about the heroes interfering… no reason they should automatically alert that horrid Sheriff Scaley Briggs and his traitorous daughter of a deputy.

'"Alright, Larry, check the specs so we can find out what nefarious scheme is required of us today." When the part time villain received no response, he whipped around to face his number two. He glared as he saw Larry staring intently at his poncho, rubbing it between his fingers. Rippen growled. "LARRY! You mind? SOME of us are trying to get to work, here!"

That was enough to get the other bandit's attention.

"OH, sorry big guy. I was just looking at the threads. What do you think this is, some kind of cotton? Feels different than the last time. I would've thought wool, but I don't think they even HAVE sheep here. Can dinosaurs have fur? 'Cuz I'm pretty sure they can't. But what do I know, I'm no dino expert or nothing. So maybe there IS a sheepasaur. Wouldn't that be something?"

Rippen sighed tiredly.

"As fascinating as I find the fact there is finally a career you haven't somehow mastered, how about reigning it in, _hmm_? Can you do that? Can you just bring up the mission, PLEASE?"

"Well, sure! Especially when you ask like that- what impeccable manners!"

Rippen's frown deepened. That was the last thing he ever wanted to hear. It was certainly not a compliment.

"Larry, that-" he stopped. Larry knew. How could he not by now?

" _I'm just sayin'._ " Larry shrugged, even as the hologram popped up with their instructions on it. "Manners like that might come in handy on your date tonight..."

There were too many things wrong with what he said and how he said it, too many implications that went right over Rippen's head at the time. He was unable to reply, which was just as well, as Larry filled the silence by cheerfully going over their mission details.

There was no point in going over the rest of the mission, as it went along the same way as it always did- it didn't end happily for either of them. Neither were surprised; it had become routine by that point for failure to be expected. Perhaps that wasn't exactly a good thing. They would need to work on that.

Rippen was in a foul mood as he was zapped from the dimension and back into his own.

"Triceratops manure. Why must I always be plagued with either being eaten or shoved into the waste piles of what already was, every time we go there? Is there a way to petition to never go back again? I would REALLY appreciate that."

Larry, who let go of his nose, now that they were home and the other man no longer smelled anything worse than his heavy cologne, took in a deep breath before putting in his two cents.

"Aww, and never get to have anymore of their jerky? Or see the magic of dino baby births ever again?"

Rippen rolled his eyes.

"Dinosaurs are born from eggs, not births. And either way it's disgusting."

"Besides," Phil interrupted, causing the goblin-esque villain to flinch as he nearly forgotten he was there," no worlds can be off limits. Evil is needed in the universe just as much as she is needing good. Without balance, there is no life. Even for evil persons."

"When you say it like that, it almost makes US sound like we're the heroes!" Larry piped in enthusiastically.

Rippen made a face.

"Yes, then let's not say it like that." Just the thought of being considered a hero made his skin crawl.

"Whatever you say. Hey, you ready for our big date tonight, hmm?"

The two of them had been on their way to the exit when Larry asked his question, and now Rippen spun around to stare in horror at Phil. Phil shook his head, turned around, and disappeared into the side room. Rippen glared at Larry, who just grinned back, clueless.

"You really need to learn when it's appropriate to say things like that, Larry." Rippen scolded as they exited the building. "We don't want anyone getting the wrong idea, now do we?"

"Who, Phil? Nah, he gets it!" Larry scoffed. Rippen raised a brow.

"It, what's it? What does he get?"

"That friends can go on dates, too, silly!"

"Larry, that's ridiculous. If the person you're with is just a friend, it is not a date."

"So you admit we're friends?"

RIppen, who had been walking right behind the much smaller man found himself stopping in his tracks as he gawked down at him. Larry… had cornered him. Verbally locked him in a situation where he either admitted it was a date or that they were friends. It was a horrible situation to be in, positively evil- and yet, he was sure that even Larry didn't understand just what he had done. Still, it gave Rippen an odd sense of hope that there was an evil minion in his number two yet.

It took everything in the villain to hold back a smile.

"Hmm, I suppose admitting to that is the lesser of two evils, isn't it?"

Rippen made the way towards his car and was startled by Larry running past him to open his car door. The part-time villain rolled his eyes, otherwise ignoring the antics as he got into his little yellow vehicle and buckled up. He strummed his fingers on his steering wheel as he waited for his minion to get inside and situated.

"So… are we starting this… this _outing_ straight away then?" Rippen couldn't even dare to say the _other_ word. "And where exactly are we going?"

"First of all," Larry began, pausing to buckle his seat belt. "yes, we should go now, before we miss our reservation."

"What, reservation? Just what kind of-"

"Second of all, I'm not telling you. It would ruin the surprise!"

Rippen stared at Larry for a few seconds before slumping against his steering wheel.

"Larry... I'm the one driving. You have to tell me where I'm driving to."

"To where I'm driving. And don't worry, I'll give you directions!"

Rippen glared at Larry silently, and held that glare even as he started the car.

"Fine, whatever." He mumbled at last. "Show me the way, Larry." His tone dripped with annoyed sarcasm.

And navigate the principal did, though not that successfully. The first couple streets went well enough, since they were all one way. But after coming up to their third light, and Rippen was just about to continue on straight, Larry suddenly cried for him to turn left. Avoiding the honking cars, and refusing to apologize for near accidents, the part-time villain did as he was instructed.

"You mind telling me I need to turn BEFORE we get to the turn-off, hmm?"

"Sure, big guy, will do!" Larry replied with a thumbs up. Only to follow this up by telling the driver to turn right- when REALLY he meant his OTHER right. Just barely avoiding a fire hydrant, the two made it the rest of the way without a hitch. Reaching the front of the restaurant, Rippen arched his brow.

"Maple and Ash… Isn't this one of those expensive steakhouses?" Rippen's concern grew more as he read a sign up front that said 'valet parking only' for twenty dollars. "You DO realize not all of us were blessed with your ability to win millions of dollars without even trying, yes? I don't have it anywhere in my funds to afford this place!"

Just what had Larry been thinking? His frustrations grew as the smaller man waved him off.

"Pfft! No need to sweat, sweetie. It's my treat." Larry nodded to the young man that opened the passenger door for him, before continuing the conversation. "I figured you should save all your money for your date with the fabulous Ms. Ursula Jones. Besides, I like using my money on those I care about! It's just sitting around lonely in the bank, otherwise."

It only took Rippen a few moments to decide that swallowing his pride was worth a free meal in a fancy restaurant. And besides, he thought to himself as he climbed out of the car, didn't he deserve to be pampered a little?

The man who had opened his door for him cleared his throat loudly, and Rippen spun around to give him a bewildered look. He had his hand outstretched, and Rippen began to panic a little. Did he want a tip? His eyes zipped over to Larry in a silent plea for help.

"Psst! Rippen!" Larry whispered so loudly there was really no point in whispering in the first place. "Your keys, he needs your keys to park the car!"

"My k- oh! Oh yes, of course, silly me, here you are." He handed his keys to the man and smiled, awkwardly. "Ah, thank you."

"Would you relax?" Larry teased playfully as they approached the building. "You said it yourself, this is just a friendly outing between a couple of friendly friends! Nothing more, nothing less."

"Yes yes, I know that, I just..." He just wasn't used to this type of luxury. Sure, he had daydreamed about it plenty, but this was different! He sighed and shook his head as the door was opened for them and they stepped inside.

The inside was even more stunning than the outside. Rippen was in awe at this place. The high ceilings, which were painted with murals very much like ones you'd see in historical churches of Rome, caught his attention as he soaked in the atmosphere. He was brought back down to Earth by Larry's voice. He was speaking with the woman at the front desk about their reservation. A waiter, clad in a suit even more pristine than the one the valet man had been wearing, led them away to their seat.

"What?" Rippen asked the woman at the front desk, defensively, as he passed her. "Friends can have an outing together at a fancy restaurant, too, you know." Ah yes, he had certainly told her.

Rippen gave Larry an unimpressed stare when they arrived at their table, and the tiny man automatically pulled the chair out for him to sit in.

"Larry, I don't know how I'm going to learn a thing if you keep insisting on treating me like the woman in this operation."

He said this even as he took the seat offered to him.

"Now now," the principal scolded good naturedly, "there's no such thing as women and men roles when it comes to dates. It's all about trying to be nice to each other and making them comfortable." Larry's eyes lit up excitedly. "Oh! There you go, your first lesson! I make a great teacher AFTER all!"

Rippen did an eyebrow check- a quick roll of his eyes- but otherwise remained silent as the waiter came and gave them their menus. Before the villain could respond to the inquiry of what he preferred for his drink, Larry cut him off.

"A bottle of Barbaresco, if you would, please. Two glasses."

"Very good, sir." The waiter responded, writing it down. "I'll return shortly."

Once they were gone, out of earshot, Rippen raised a brow as he leaned in and questioned his companion.

"Whatever happened to you saying you didn't drink?"

Larry's smile widened.

"When did I say that?'

"When we were alone together on Omeprazole. You specifically told me, while you were building that silly little happy home for yourself, that you didn't like alcohol."

The part time villain found himself regretting bringing it up at all as his number two gave him eyes that playfully challenged him. Almost as if they dared to say 'come-hither'. But… no, that couldn't be right… That made no sense. Rippen was stolen from his thoughts as the principal replied.

"I don't drink, not usually anyway. I prefer saving it for the right occasions."

"And you consider me one of those ' _right occasions_ ', do you?" Rippen challenged sarcastically.

"Always."

The tired glare Larry received from across the table wasn't exactly the reply he was expecting or hoping for.

"So what you're saying..." Rippen said after a moment of silence. "is that I drive you to drink. Is that right?"

A look of horror fell over Larry's face and he even recoiled back against his chair. He gasped.

"No! I would nev-"

"Larry, please." Rippen held out a hand to quiet his number two and it was obeyed. "Don't ruin this for me, alright? Let me pretend for a minute that you've grown evil enough to insult me."

Suddenly remembering Rippen's genuine attraction towards evilness, and how the cruelty of Lady Starblaster had made his heart sing all the more of affection, the roly-poly of a man decided he would let him think what he wanted. Especially if, on the off chance, it made Larry look like a more suitable date in his eyes.

The comment didn't get to be discussed more, however, as the waiter returned with their wine.

"Are you gentlemen ready to order?" The lanky server asked, after finishing pouring the glasses. "Or would you need more time to consider?"

The part-time villain went to open his menu in a panic. Shoot! Here he had been distracted by conversing with Larry all this time, that he had completely forgotten to even see what the place had to offer. Great, just great, now he was going to look like an utter fool in the fancy pants establishment and the waiter was going to KNOW he didn't belong there!

"Y-yes, well, actually-"

"I'm ready to order, if you don't mind starting with me."

Rippen peeked over his menu to see his savor sitting across from him with a good natured and patient smile. The waiter turned towards Larry as the principal began pointing out his order, giving the art teacher enough time to look over his menu.

"So I was thinking of starting us off with the oysters on a half shell, and then I'd like the chicken entree with a side of macaroni and cheese. Does that sound okay with you, sweetie?" Larry asked Rippen, just as he decided.

"Yes, though I would also like a rack of lamb." Not only was he eating a cute baby animal, it was one of the most expensive items on the menu. Deliciously vile, and just enough so to justify the outing altogether. The waiter finished jotting everything down and was quick to run off with promise that it shouldn't be too long of a wait. Rippen hope that would, indeed, be true as he wasn't sure he was comfortable being seen in such a romantic setting with his minion for longer than he had to. (It was hard keeping eye contact and already the villain was beginning to feel awkward about what he should do with his hands.) Not to mention the reason they were really there, after all: to practice for his upcoming date with what would hopefully be the woman of his dreams.

Rippen found himself going straight to the alcohol to help kill his nerves, and instead opened his eyes widely in surprise.

"Is this… is this raspberry?"

"It is!" Larry stopped himself before he voiced his surprise over Rippen never having tasted Barbaresco before. "Do you like it?"

"It's exquisite! I've never tasted anything so, so..." Rippen couldn't find the words. A fancy wine connoisseur he was not. "Well, anyway. How much was it? Oh, wait, don't. Don't tell me, I can't afford this wine any more than I can afford the calories."

Or the drinking problem that would no doubt result from buying it casually, either.

"Oh, stop it, you look great!" Larry insisted. "But that reminds me, we should practise a little dinner conversation! Go on, ask me a question."

Larry sat with his hands folded atop the table, gazing at him with an expectant, hopeful expression. The part time villain stared back at him, brow raised.

"Larry... I know just about everything about you. What in the world would I even ask?"

"Loads of stuff!" The smaller man piped up excitedly. " Like sometimes you can ask about work-"

"We work together… at two separate jobs." Rippen argued.

"Or what I like to do in my spare time-"

" _What spare time?_ If you're not with me you're out treating every new person you meet as if they're your new _bff_." The villain used air quotes to help show the absurdity of the term. If Larry was deterred, he didn't show it.

"Ooooor, you can always throw out a trick question if you really want to surprise them and get them involved." The principal finished innocently. Now THIS got Rippen's attention.

"Trick question? Like what?"

Larry took a sip of his wine, the red lightly staining his lips.

"'What should I know about you that I'd never think to ask about?'"

The part time villain found himself grow silent. That…. That was actually pretty ingenious, in its own right. It allowed the person being asked to choose their boundaries, just what they were comfortable sharing without feeling on the spot… But it also gave valuable insight into the person's character. Rippen blinked a few times as he looked at the man across from him, suddenly wondering just how many people he had used that line on in his lifetime.

"I... hope that wasn't you asking ME that question." Rippen finally responded. "I wouldn't even know where to begin."

"Naaah, you don't have to. Like I said, it was just a suggestion FOR conversation topics. You can try asking ME that, though." Larry straightened up in his seat, clearly excited. "Go on, go ahead, give it a shot!"

"Well alright, why not." Rippen cleared his throat softly. "Larry, what should I know about you that I would never think to ask about?" He had to admit he was actually mildly curious.

" _Well.._." Larry drew the word out, flirtatiously. Not that Rippen caught it. "How about that I'm single, I love a good cuddle, and I'm on the market for a charming man to spend the rest of my life with?"

Larry fixed Rippen with his most winning gaze from across the table. Rippen stared back, incomprehensibly. The silence spun out, the only sound being the occasional clacking of silverware on plates.

"I'm sorry are you pretending to be the woman? Because I was under the impression we weren't doing that just now."

"No, no. It's just me, Larry. No pretending here!"

Rippen finally blinked, and shook his head slowly as the realization creeped in a little too late. He suddenly found it very important that he unwrap his silverware and fiddle with it until it was perfect.

"Ah. Yes, well. That's, alright, then, isn't it. I, ah, I respect your, way of life, and all that."

Larry beamed brightly. Well, not being disgusted was a good first sign. As nice a guy as the principal was, he couldn't say with good faith that he hadn't ran into people that were less than tolerable.

"Thanks, right back atcha, buddy! But see, you just learned something new about me. That's the good thing about trick questions- they're a lot more fun and you can get some very surprising answers!"

" _No kidding_ , " Rippen mumbled under his breath. Clearing his throat he spoke loud enough for his number two to hear him. "So there are OTHERS? As in, more than one bombshell you drop on your poor unsuspecting victims? That's should be practically criminal." A pause. "Can I hear more? Actually, should I be writing this stuff down?"

While they didn't have paper or pens among them, Larry was still happy to share his trade secrets. The part time villain listened, enthralled, as the other man listed some of his favorites: ' _What kind of things really make you laugh?' 'What were you like as a kid?' ' What's your favorite movie of all time?' 'What's your favorite place in the entire world?'_ Larry couldn't help but laugh as Rippen's response to the last question was ' _which one_?'.

Talking had made time flew by and before either of them knew it, the waiter had returned with their meal in tow. It smelled wonderful, and Rippen eyed it hungrily as it was set in front of him. They thanked the waiter and it was time to dig in.

Rippen had to hold himself back from literally doing so. He was in a fancy, dignified restaurant, and it was important he acted according to such. He picked up a knife and a fork, and hovered over his plate awkwardly for a minute. Wasn't this something one would eat with their hands? How, exactly, did you go about cutting it up in bite sized pieces like a dignified human being?

The utensils went in, and he hoped for the best. The knife scraped against bone, and the sound made him grit his teeth. He glanced around quickly to make sure no one had noticed that.

Larry had noticed, though. He could tell his pal was still nervous and could do with a distraction.

"So... you could compliment me, too, if you wanted. Your date, I mean. Go on, try it."

Rippen really wasn't enjoying this new balance of power nor that commanding tone. It was one thing for Larry to be his boss at the school… but the larger man was used to having an air of authority when it came to villainy and their personal lives. Being told to do ANYTHING automatically made him not want to do it.

However… Larry was there to help him, prepare him. That WAS the reason they were on their outing to begin with. Fighting the advice would just make it a waste of time with an expensive meal on the side. Rippen took a bite of his lamb. Mmm, okay, so maybe a DELICIOUS expensive meal on the side.

"Ah, well," the villain stalled, searching his brain like crazy for anything he could string together to form a compliment as he looked his minion up and down. "You look… presentable." Rippen offered weakly. "Did you get a haircut?"

The principal gasped dramatically.

"Oh my gosh, I did! Just last week, in fact!" Larry rested an arm on the table before leaning closer. " _How nice of you to notice._ Went to my usual barber, Eugene. Married with kids and grandchildren. He seems to be the only guy that can get it just right, ya know? I think it might be because not everybody knows how to treat thicker hair, and so they think they can treat it the same as straight hair and the next thing you know you got a lopsided doo. Fun for wacky-tacky day during spirit week, even an interested antidote for parties! … Just not so great to live with. That's why I like when Eugene does it. He knows, you know?"

Rippen didn't know, but he felt it better not to admit it.

"Hm fascinating." It was obvious he didn't truly feel that way. It was also obvious that Larry took no offence. "That's it, then? No wacky plot twist at the end, you're not going to tell me that Eugene is actually a, a horse-clown you met in a dream one time, something along those lines?"

"No, no twist." Larry replied with a good natured shrug. "How's your lamb? Not too dry, I hope!"

Rippen was still busy thinking about horse-clowns and was caught off guard.

"Hm? Oh! No actually, it's absolutely lovely, thank you. How's yours?"

"Oh my goodness you don't even know." The way Larry's eyes rolled up as he said that made Rippen question just what was in that little man's food. "Here, you have to try some!"

Rippen stared, cross-eyed at the fork that was suddenly thrust into his face. His eyes darted between it and Larry's grinning, expectant smile.

"What? Oh, you can't be serious."

"Very much so, " the principal retorted, still holding out his fork. "What, you've never offered a bite of your food before? It's a classic flirting technique."

Rippen scowled.

"No, Larry, I can't say I have. I was under the impression that most of humanity cared about hygiene. Nice to know I was proven wrong."

Nobody said a word for a moment, Larry still just awkwardly holding the fork in front of the other man's face. Finally the shorter man of the two spoke up, breaking the silence at their table.

"Sooooo, is that a no?"

" _Of course it's a no_ ," Rippen spat, "you just had your fork in your mouth!"

The hurt look on the principal's face caught him off guard. He seemed disappointed, and while most days the part time villain wouldn't have bat an eye at it… Rippen was surprised by the sense of guilt that washed over him. Larry was beginning to pull back his eating utensil when the goblin-esque man sighed.

"Oh, alright- FINE. I'll try a bite, just quit looking like I'm abusing you- people will take it to heart." Larry began to lift his fork again when Rippen blocked it with a spare hand. "Ah, no. I'll use my own, _thank you_."

Larry sighed, took his fork back, and nudged his plate closer as his dinner date reached across the table and cut off his own piece. The smaller man was uncharacteristically quiet as he watched Rippen chew. So many questions. Did this mean that he was asexual? With a fear of germs so evident, would he even be able to kiss another person?

And shouldn't that matter to Larry? Because it certainly didn't, he discovered. Even accepting that assumption as a fact, he felt no waver in his feelings for his number one. Larry really was in a hopeless situation, wasn't he?

"- in my life!"

"...Huh? I'm sorry." Larry realized that while he had been lost in thought, Rippen had been commenting on the meal.

"It's alright, I was just saying I've never tasted meat so moist in all my life, it's really quite delicious. Larry, are you feeling well? You've been a little... off, tonight."

Not that the part time villain was concerned or anything of that nature. Rippen just happened to be a man of routine, and nothing about his minion that night was anything close to script. If he happened to inquire about it, it was simply because his curiosity was peaked. That was all. Larry straightened up in his seat before flashing a smile Rippen was far more familiar with as he took back his plate of food.

"I'm peachy! I was just lost in thought, was all. I was trying to think of more gen-u-ine Larry pro tips for the most romantic and awesomest date ever!"

"Don't strain yourself," Rippen mumbled sarcastically, despite a sense of relief washing over him. "I hardly think there is anything else I need to learn, is there? I mean, as long as I don't make an utter baffoon of myself, what else is there?"

Larry shrugged nonchalantly.

"Depends… how are you feeling now, sugar? For somebody supposedly awkward on dates, you've been nothing but a DELIGHT!"

A small smile formed on Rippen's face, his eyes cast down onto his plate.

"Yes, I suppose I have been, haven't I? Oh, maybe I was worrying for nothing, after all. I mean, it has been a while since my last date, perhaps I've matured some? That can happen, right?"

Larry smiled, and nodded.

"Well sure! I believe we learn new things and grow as people every day!" Still, Rippen's choice of words made Larry wonder just how long it had been since he had attempted the dating scene.

"That's what I'm saying!" Rippen was talking a little bit too loudly. Larry noticed he was on his second glass of wine. Certainly it wasn't his third. "I mean, I'm a dateable guy, right? There's nothing, inherently wrong with me, is there?"

"Of course there isn't!" Larry lied. "You're a perfectly wonderful. perfectly handsome, perfectly charming, and a perfectly dateable man." That part, Larry believed.

"Yeah! This woman is lucky she got a date with THE Rippen, uh. Larry, what's my last name, I'm coming up blank over here."

Larry responded with a shrug. The topic was instantly dropped, however, as Rippen went to finishing off the last of the oysters. The principal, on the other hand, found his head whip around enthusiastically as the song played by the live band on the other half the restaurant changed songs, a new one starting- the dancers preparing themselves to start up again. Larry began to snap his fingers, bobbing his head to the swanky beat.

"Mm mm, now THIS is my jam. Say, wanna go for a dance? Could be fuuuun."

The part time villain nearly choked. Hitting his chest a few times, Rippen dislodged the food, swallowed, and gasped for air loudly.

"Me, dance? Now you MUST be joking! You KNOW I have two left feet."

Larry beamed all the wider.

"Not at all! I thought you were really starting to get the hang of it the last time."

"That was private, this is public. I hardly think it's the same thing, really." Rippen retorted defensively. The shorter man merely shrugged.

"I dunno, I don't see how that's much different than dancing in front of your enemies- and your dance partner WAS your your enemy!" A pause. "Not that I blame you for that, Penn really IS magical on his feet. You should see him salsa dance."

"I'd rather not, thank you. Nor would I like to relive that embarrassment." The villain crossed his arms as he leaned back into his chair- not at all sold on the idea. "You're not really selling this to me at all, Larry."

He took that as a challenge, and Larry was quick to accept it.

"Then how 'bout this: ladies LOVE dancing. I mean, who DOESN'T? But nothing comes off as more charming than a tall, dark, and handsome man being able to sweep them off their feet. It's the type of stuff that's all super romanticized in movies and people just LOVE it!"

"Well yes, obviously, but I don't-"

"What if she asks you to dance on your date? Are you going to turn her down? Break her heart before the relationship even has a chance to bloom into something beautiful?"

Dear lord, he was doing that thing with his face that made him look like a kicked puppy. Rippen hated puppies.

"You know what? Okay. One song. One. Are we clear?"

Larry didn't know if it was the alcohol or his own persuasion that had done the trick, and he really didn't care. He practically leaped out of his chair, and took the hand that had been offered to him.

"Clear as day, Big Guy! Let's make this one song count!"

Leading Rippen to the dance floor, it was evident that there was hesitation coming from the taller man. It was true, dancing was not an element of the arts he was used to. But he was a prideful man, and he had agreed to the idea, despite finding it completely abhorrent. Turning back would be a sign of weakness he couldn't afford. Larry took advantage of this fact as he held out his arms- very much like Rippen had learned the first time the two had dance together.

"Follow my lead," Larry mouthed, the music being far too loud this close to the band. It was then that that the shorter man began moving his feet, slightly pulling his partner in the process. One foot forward, one foot back, Larry rocked on his heel before crossing his left foot over the right. He walked to the side three beats before walking back and starting the routine all over again. He started slow, slower than the melody of the fast paced song, until he made sure Rippen got the move properly.

"That's it! You're doing great! Now let's try it a little faster, okay?"

Rippen didn't have time to give a response one way or the other as he was dragged along. It took him a moment, but then he too caught up with his number two. And in no time at all they were dancing just as fast as the other partners on the dance floor.

"Look at that, I'm really doing it!" The villain cried cheerfully. "That's not so bad!"

"It only get's better, I promise!" Larry shouted back. Before Rippen could question this, the principal pulled the taller man closer as he began to spin the two of them around in circles- keeping the same pattern they had started with their feet. After their third go around he spoke again. "Ready to really wow these guys, Big R?"

Rippen looked on smugly, for the first time ever seeming to be on the same page as his minion.

"When aren't I?"

That was all Larry needed, and the two men pulled each other closer before swinging backward. Attached only by one hand, criss crossing like an energetic handshake, they swung around before drawing back into each other where they met with laughs- their feet not tripping up in the slightest as they went back to their previous fast beat pattern. They did this move a few times before suddenly the climax of the song struck and the song ceased- the dancers in the room stopping as the clapped for the band.

Rippen panted excitedly, just trying to catch his breath. He quickly found his second wind when the next song began, and Larry flashed him a sly, crooked grin.

"Ready for round two?"

Rippen grinned back.

"Oh, why not,"

In that moment, Rippen would have happily danced with his minion until the end of time. The world melted around them, the dancers barely even an afterthought, as the universe consisted of just the two of them. The villain would question his happy high as he floated back down to earth when he was yet again alone in the solitude of his apartment later. But for now…

For now he'd allow himself to be content on the best date he had ever had.


	7. The Perfect Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rippen meets the woman of his dreams... only to discover reality has unexpected plans.

Contemplating about his life was not something Rippen had a habit of doing. Once in awhile, sure, to get retrospection and figure out what was going wrong with one's life that was out of the norm- his norm being that his life involved endless amounts of failures. The last time Rippen had sat and thought about the direction of his life it was because he felt Larry was the reason he never experienced the success he oh so desired and deserved.

This time it was yet again Larry who decided to turn his life asunder in what felt like a never ending of contemplation. The part time villain had the hardest time getting the… he struggled to continue to call it an outing, but 'practice date' seemed to suffice in his mind. But yes, the practice date just wouldn't leave him be. Rippen would find himself, during the the mundane tasks of grading paperwork, thinking back on the evening with affection. He really did enjoy himself. It had been a bit awkward at times, and he must have made a fool of himself with the way he let the wine get to him. But despite it all, dancing the night away- while not usually his definition of a good time- had been simply magical.

That, and even Larry seemed more charming than usual.

"What am I thinking?" Rippen suddenly stopped himself, blinking away those thoughts as he stared at the essay on the introduction of depth and perception during the Renaissance he was supposed to be grading. "Larry can't be charming. Friendly, sure, but charming…"

He couldn't even find a way to finish that argument and instead decided to drop it all together. He was still in the process of attempting to get his mind back on track, when someone knocked on the door frame to his classroom. He glanced up to see Larry grinning and waving silently.

"Oh, Larry, I was just..." thinking about you. "grading a few papers, yes, I'm nearly finished. What do you need?"

That was the only confirmation he needed, Larry strolled in, as cheerful and bouncy as ever.

"Gooood afternoon! Well, noon anyway. Is good noon a thing? Because I think it should be a thing. You know that feeling you get when you look at the clock and it's exactly noon, I'm talking right on the nose, and you're thinking to yourself-"

"Larry, I really need to get these papers finished before the bell, would you mind getting to the point?"

"Oh, yeah! Sorry, Big R. So listen, change in plans; we won't be working tonight."

This got the part-time villain's attention. He raised a brow at the man leaning against his desk.

"Oh? And why's that?"

"Because you," Larry reached up to poke Rippen's arm, playfully. "have a hot date tonight!"

Rippen didn't look as impressed as the principal thought he should have been. The art teacher's voice was completely deadpan as he went back to looking over his papers and crossing out a section with his trusty red pen.

"As fun as the other night was, don't you think it's too soon? I mean, I hardly think it's important enough to skip work over."

Larry smiled at the admission that the other man had enjoyed their date, even if he already one hundred percent knew that had been the case. He shook his head as he tried to explain.

"Nono, not a date with ME- though, we'll talk about some us time later, big guy. I'm talking about your date with Ursula. I called up her agent to double check if the night works for her, and she's all cleared for ya." He took off his glasses to give them a quick clean as he went on. "Also got your reservations and everything covered. We just gotta get you to show up and completely WOW her!"

Rippen found his jaw hung agape as he looked down at his minion in surprise.

"You… you did all that, already? How in the world- do all of YOUR dates fall together this quickly?"

The principal scoffed.

"I wish! It can be hard just convincing people out to lunch!" A pause. "BUT, this time everything just worked out in your favor, I guess. Already called up Phil and he like, TOTES understands. WELL, I think he does, at least. You know how he is, all vibes with that guy. But I'm sure he's rooting for ya too! SO…" Larry looked the part time villain up and down, taking in all that was presented before him. "Whatcha planning on wearing?"

Larry's question hit him, like a sobering slap to the face. He stared at him, eyes wide in fear.

"Well I, I don't know! This is awfully short notice, do I even have time to prepare?"

Larry met his panic with good cheer, as always. He shook his head and patted his friend on the knee.

"Don't worry, I gotcha' covered! I figured you might need a little help getting ready for your date, so here's what we'll do; after school lets out, you and me will go back to your place, and I'll help you get all spruced up! How's that sound?"

The thought of Larry being there to help him through it was oddly comforting.

"You really wouldn't mind?"

"Mind? Please, I woulda been heartbroken if you'd said no! Welp, I better let you get back to those papers. See you later, you lucky man, you!"

Larry left his classroom, just as the bell rang.

"Oops, sorry!" he called from the hallway.

* * *

It was somewhat distressing how well Larry knew his way around his apartment, despite never having been invited inside before now. Rippen shrugged this off, and tried focusing on the excitement of his first date in a very long time.

Although, his curiosity got the best of him as Larry set down a couple of bags onto his bed, and began to unpack.

"Not that I don't appreciate the help, because really, I do…" The part time villain raised a brow at the endless amount of combs and brushes pulled out of the first bag. "This isn't some underhanded attempt to try and move in while i'm vulnerable, is it? Or a scheme to litter about your things so you'll have an endless amount of excuses to come by?"

Larry couldn't help but laugh off the suspicion, which didn't exactly put those thoughts to rest.

"Nah. As nice as your home is, it's not enough room for an elephant- even if they are a teeny tiny one. I'd MUCH rather you move into my place. My guest room could use the company." Having finished unloading one bag, the shorter man went to the other. "That said, you might wanna take a quick shower. You got a little paint on ya."

Rippen glared.

"Oh, I do not! I wouldn't even let the little monsters play with paint today- it was a study from the textbook sort of da-" The part time villain, to prove his point, had walked towards his bathroom mirror. He stopped in his tracks completely when he noticed a smudge of blue to the left of his cheek. "How in the- BUT THERE WAS NO PAINT! We didn't- HOW COULD THIS BE?!"

Larry, who could be seen from the bed, just shrugged his shoulders.

"Must be an artist thing?" He asked innocently.

"Hmph, must be." Rippen sighed. "Alright, a quick shower then. Just don't go through my things!"

"Wouldn't dream of it!" Larry grinned at Rippen, Rippen gave Larry a deadpan stare, and the staredown lasted until the door closed between them.

Luckily, Larry would get to be true to his word this time. There was no need to rifle through his friend's things today; he had brought everything he needed himself.

He began laying out Rippen's outfit for the evening; it hadn't taken long at all to decide, Larry had spent a fair amount of time daydreaming about the perfect date, every detail, right down to Rippen's hair in a tight bun.

He gazed at the outfit that lay on the bed, and sighed. Oh, what he would give to be in Ursula's shoes that night. He turned when he heard the bathroom door creak open.

"Perfect timing! Come check out your new threads."

And check out he did as Rippen stepped out of the bathroom in nothing but a white cotton towel around his nethers. The part time villain stiffened as he noticed Larry quickly looked away, eyes purposefully looking at a wall rather than at him. He supposed he should have been grateful that his number two's boyscout ways gave him SOME allusion to decency- though Rippen really wish he knew where he had placed his bathrobe instead. Then it wouldn't have been awkward to begin with!

Faking confidence, Rippen strutted the short distance from the bathroom to his bed where a white suit was laying out for him. Next to it was a white vest, a teal collared button up shirt, and a copper tie neatly resting on top. The part time villain raised a brow at this.

"Where did all this come from? I haven't any white suits."

Larry, who only momentarily forgot he wasn't supposed to be peeking, jolted back to looking at the wall before innocently answering.

"I know, I got it for you. I just remembered the one time we were in that old temple that looked like a bathroom- you remember that place, right? It was like in a jungle or something. Anyway, you were wearing a white suit then and I remember telling myself 'Larry, doesn't Rippen look _good_ today?' To which I immediately responded: 'You kidding? He looks good every day!' 'Yeah, but,I mean, doesn't he look really really really really-'"

"Larry, I'm in nothing but a towel, _please_ tell me there is a point in there." Rippen suddenly interrupted as he brought his minion back to reality. Larry blinked, but otherwise showed no offense.

"Now you own a white suit. Don't worry, if you don't like it, I'm sure I can call somebody up real quick and we can get you a replacement. " He had already pulled out his cell phone and was ready to make the call if needed.

"Actually, I rather like it." Rippen muttered, partially surprised at what he was saying. "It does give me a rather nostalgic feeling of my high school days…"

"You know, this place could really do with some colorful wallpaper. Like a light blue, or a nice salmon, maybe?"

Rippen blinked at his number two. "What?"

"Oh! I was just admiring your walls, is all."

"Yes, so I've noticed, but I'm afraid that isn't going to cut it. Step out for a minute while I get dressed, would you?"

Larry flinched like he just remembered he left the stove on and it had caught his behind on fire.

"Oh! You bet! See you in a bit, and I'll do your hair."

Rippen paused, shirt held in his hands, a small frown on his face. It was nearly a pout.

"My hair? What's wrong with my hair?"

But Larry had already left. Well, that was something to address later, the villain supposed. Even though he had always been rather fond of his hairstyle… Rippen dropped the subject along with his towel onto the floor before kicking it back into the bathroom. Quickly putting on his shirt he went for his black boxers in the dresser of his room. It didn't take long before the rest of him was dressed, sans jacket, and as if sensing this his minion returned- peeking his head inside the room.

"Knock knock?" Larry didn't wait for permission before entering and whistled approvingly. "Looking sharp there, big guy! Just gotta do your do, then Miss Jones will eat you up!"

"Yeah, about that," Rippen began with offense, " what do you mean 'do my hair'? I happen to LIKE my usual look, _thankyouverymuch_. It gives me an air of unapproachability and danger!"

"Yeah, but… isn't that BAD when you're trying to get people to like you?"

Rippen opened his mouth to reply, and found he had nothing to reply with. _Larry had a point._ The part time villain had to admit, he wasn't so used to trying to get people to like him.

"I suppose you're right. What would _you_ suggest, then?"

Larry ignored the hint of sarcasm in the question, and grinned.

"Well! I was thinking- no, wait, how about I surprise you? Won't that be fun?"

Rippen crossed his arms over his chest and scowled, defiantly.

"I hate surprises, you know I do. Always have."

Normally, Larry would have an endless supply of patience for Rippen's stubborn nature, but tonight they were on a time limit, and he was determined to make this date go as smoothly as possible. He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

"Rippen, when have I, Larry, ever let you down?"

" _All the time!_ " Rippen spat. His retort was so loud and so sudden that Larry actually flinched. "Like every mission we've ever been on!"

There was so much truth to that statement, it left no room for Larry to be hurt by it.

"... Oh yeah." He replied, simply. "Okay okay, that's fair, but besides all that mission stuff! Have I let you down when it comes to the dating scene, hmm?"

Rippen tried staring him down, but failed to, and Larry didn't drop his stare, either. The taller man sighed in defeat.

"No, I suppose not."

Taking this as a yes, Larry squealed, and grabbed a chair from the corner of the room. He placed it facing away from the bed, and patted the seat of it.

"Have a seat, I'll grab my comb!"

Rippen felt extremely childish as he sat down in the chair with a huff. He hadn't had anyone but a professional stylist touch his hair in YEARS! Even as a merely child he preferred his mother leaving him be to manage on his own. Though, he had to admit, much of that was because she was a very rough woman and had the tendencies to brush far too hard. The villain found himself instinctively flinching as Larry brought the comb to his head, his face scrunched up as he waited for the pain he just KNEW would come!

Rippen was surprised when he instead felt a very gentle brushing. Larry, using one hand to hold a section of hair at a time, was very conscious as he made sure not to get too close to the scalp. By the fourth brush the villain felt himself relax into the rhythmic movements as his minion began to ramble. Rippen didn't quite catch any of it, though, pretty sure he heard something about attractive foxes in the sea of words, but that hardly made any sense, even for a Larry ramble. Yet it didn't matter, as Rippen felt himself melt as the smaller man brushed him.

Rippen only felt himself woken from his trance when it suddenly stopped. It took him a moment more to realize Larry was talking to him.

"Well?"

"Hmm?" Rippen practically purred. "Well what?"

"I asked if you're excited for your date, silly. I've been so into getting everything ready for you that I forgot to ask how you were feeling about everything!"

Rippen rolled his eyes, even though Larry couldn't see it. Great, first Larry wanted to do his hair, and how he wanted to talk about their feelings. It was moments like this, Rippen wondered if he really was ready for a relationship.

"Well, if you must know, I'm feeling perfectly fine. I mean, it's one evening, not even I could mess up one evening! Could I?"

Larry didn't know how he was supposed to respond to that, but it quickly became evident that Rippen was talking to himself now, anyway.

"I mean, alright, I might say something completely ridiculous, spill my drink in her lap, somehow insult her by accident, sure, but what's the worst that could happen, really?"

Larry opened his mouth to respond, but didn't get the chance to.

"I'll tell you the worst that could happen! Rejection, complete and utter humiliation! Watching the girl of my dreams walk out on me, taking with her my last shred of dignity and hope for a happy future! Oh Larry, I can't do this! That's it! Call it off, I don't know what I was thinking!"

Larry nearly toppled forward and off the bed when Rippen stood up suddenly. He was panicking, he knew it, Larry knew it. Something needed to be done fast before the man locked himself in his closet and stayed there the whole evening instead.

Luckily for him, his number two was at his side.

"Hey hey hey," the principal soothed, hopping off the bed and grabbing one of the taller man's hands. He pat it affectionately as he went on. "None of that now, you're gonna do great! You were nothing but a perfect gentleman on our practice date- and who wouldn't want that? " Larry could tell his words weren't quite working, so decided to change gears. "Remember what we talked about? Huh? You know, those questions we went over? Even if you forget those, it's no big deal, because at the end of the day people like feeling like people listen to them. Wow her by showing that you're interested in what she has to say. Good listeners never embarrass themselves."

Rippen stopped and looked down at the man holding his hand, brow raised, panic momentarily forgotten.

"Good listeners never-where in the world did you hear that? Oh, don't tell me, your mother, of course."

" My plumber, actually!" Larry beamed. "No really, I mean no disrespect or anything, but... what have you got to lose?"

A faraway, forlorn look crossed Rippen's face, eyes becoming dull. When he spoke, his voice was flat, lifeless.

"Nothing. _Nothing at all._ "

"That's the spirit!" Larry cheered, using this opportunity to lead Rippen back to his chair by the hand he was holding. Rippen followed, obediently, and flopped back down into the chair when they reached it. Larry climbed back onto the bed and continued working on his hair.

A little more brushing, some gel, and a hair tie later… and the smaller man had finished his mission.

"Done!" Larry cried, as he got off the bed to look at his handy work. " Now just let me take a quick look at you and- _oh_." The 'oh' alarmed Rippen, and the wide eyed expression he was given just made the silence all the more unbearable. The villain glared.

"What? What's wrong? I look horrible, don't I?" He got out of his chair and began to head towards his bathroom where the mirror over the sink awaited him. Checking his own reflection in the mirror, it was his turn to be shock. It was him, it obviously was. It was the same face, same unibrow and distinguished looking nose. Same pale skin and dark circles that had only seemed to get darker with each passing day. And yet…

"I look… I look…"

" _Breathtaking_."

Rippen jerked his gaze away from his reflection as he saw his number two standing in the doorway. Whatever spell that had been over him earlier was now gone, as it was instead replaced by a half lidded gaze that gave the villain a very confusing and slightly uncomfortable feeling in his stomach. And yet, he found himself extremely flattered, as he looked back at his reflection with a smug smile.

"Hmm, I suppose I do, don't I? Not the word I was looking for, but it'll do."

"So?" Larry asked from the doorway. "Ready to meet the woman of your dreams?" He was content that his voice didn't convey how much it hurt to say those words. He thought his grin was a pretty good fake, too.

"You know what..." Rippen was still admiring the handsome man in the mirror. His confidence had been boosted tenfold. "I think I am."

* * *

Larry was silent on the way back to his mansion. For anyone else, that may have been completely normal, but this was Larry, and when Larry stopped talking, there was usually something that needed to be addressed.

"Alright, what is it?" Rippen finally asked, breaking the silence he didn't know he had begun to despise. When his number two turned away from the window to smile at him warmly, he put up a hand to tell him not to bother.

"And none of that, 'I'm fine', rubbish. You've been like this for awhile now, bouts of silence, that odd, faraway look in your eyes, _I don't like it_. So, out with it, what's wrong, let's get it out there so we can address it and move on with our lives, shall we?"

Larry was temporarily lost for words; he was indeed going to say he was fine, but had just been told not to say that, and he was left without a backup plan. His failure to answer right away signalled Rippen to try and guess.

"Oh, I get it. You're afraid that if this whole, _dating thing_ works out, then I won't have time for our little get togethers anymore, is that it? Well we can find you a nice girlfr- uhhh, _a significant other_ , and we could try that, double dating thing that the kids are always talking about these days. Hm? How's that? Sound like fun?"

Larry turned away as he silently unleashed his agony in a series of pained expressions. After biting his bottom lip to suppress all the screaming he REALLY felt like doing, Larry's expression was that of his usual smile, as he turned back to respond to the villain.

"Yes, loads of fun. I would love nothing more but to be there as you're falling in love with somebody that isn't me."

The pain in his tone went completely ignored, as were the implications.

"Rightio then! _See_ , we'll make it work out in the end, you'll see!"

If Larry was being completely honest with himself, _he wasn't sure he believed that._

It didn't take long after that to get to the manor, and where they would part ways for the evening. Even as his number two kept up that innocent and content expression of his, Rippen could tell something was still off even as the man told him goodnight and gave him the instructions on where to go. Just like him to thrust something into another person's hands and then run off- typical. The villain had looked at the note in confusion as it mentioned the steakhouse he and the principal had attended the previous evening with an elegantly scrawled ' _It's all on me- I wish you all the best. XOXO, Larry_ '.

The hugs and kisses were a bit overkill, but Rippen found himself appreciating the overall gesture despite it.

Getting to 'Maple and Ash' was far easier the second time around, and before the man knew it he was driving up to the entrance and handing over his keys to the valet. Quickly straightening up his copper tie, Rippen took a few deep breaths- reminding himself that he was a handsome and confident man.

He strutted through the doors and made his way straight to the wooden podium close towards the entrance, where the restaurant's receptionist had just finished checking in the previous guests.

The smile that the receptionist gave him was very obviously fake, but that did not deter him.

"Hello, sir, do you have a reservation?"

"Indeed, I do!" And indeed he did, indeed! This felt so right somehow. Having reservations in order at a high class restaurant, not being worried about money, yes, this was truly the sort of life that Rippen was born to live.

"Wonderful. And what will that be under, Mr...?"

"Rippen, just Rippen. Party of two. Six o'clock?"

A quick check confirmed the reservation. The woman flashed him another fake smile, and told him his date had already arrived. When he was led to his seat, his eyes fell upon the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, and his heart stood still.

Well, alright, so maybe she wasn't the most gorgeous, but she was certainly an eight, if not a nine.

"Ms. Jones?" Rippen asked as he approached the table, her green eyes peaking out from behind a black mane of hair as she turned in her seat. The woman's lips quirked in the slightest at seeing him.

"You must be Rippen," she responded, her eyes trailing him up and down. "You know, you're exactly as Mr. Larry said you'd be. Though, I wouldn't call your hair anything 'skunk-like'. I'm almost disappointed."

"You should see how it usually looks." Not waiting to be asked, the villain took his seat. "Hopefully you haven't been waiting too long. I was told to arrive at six."

"Oh, _trust me_ , if I had been waiting long I would have left like _that_!" Ursula snapped her fingers to prove her point. "Luckily for you, it had only been a couple minutes. So no harm done."

Their introductions were cut off as the waiter returned to get their drink orders. Remembering the wine from the other evening, and being thankful once more that he didn't have to worry about the check, Rippen ordered a bottle of barbaresco for the two of them to share. The waiter left to give them time to look over their menus… as well as get to know each other a little better.

"SO," the villain began, just casually looking over what to order. He didn't need to, as the lamb was calling his name once more, but Rippen thought that seemed like a normal action to do."So, yes… I was told you were a writer. And a best selling one, at that. Makes a guy wonder what someone like that would be doing getting acquainted with a high school principal."

Ursula shrugged.

"You'd be surprised. It's been a couple years though. He was the one to help me get an agent and my first book published actually." She stopped to readjust her sleeves. "Larry can be kinda annoying at times, no offense to your pal, but he's an alright guy. His heart's in the right place, in any case. Plus, without him I wouldn't be where I am now, so I guess I kinda owe him."

"Ah, you don't say!" Rippen hoped his smile hid the fact that he just realized, of course that was the only reason a famous author would agree to go on a blind date with a school teacher.

"Yes, Larry can be a little... Larry, but you really can't stay mad at the man. He did set me up with a rather lovely lady tonight, after all." Yes. _Nailed it._

Ursula did an eyebrow check- Rippen saw it- and smirked.

"Please. Flattery won't get you anywhere on this date."

Oh no. So totally didn't nail it.

"Oh, no! I didn't mean, uh-"

"Now, the wine on the other hand, might be another story."

That had been a joke! Laugh! Laughing comes now!

"Ahah! Ha." Oh dear heavens that was far too loud. "Oh my. Well. Um, how's, um..." And now he was blanking on questions to ask! He couldn't remember a single one Larry had suggested to him! Now what!

"Oh, speaking of the wine, here it comes. I'm about ready, how about you?"

Saved by the waiter, then. He'd take it. Wine was served, before the young man took their orders. Rippen found himself oddly thrilled when the woman across from him order the same- declaring she needed something meaty to sink her teeth into. Her smile was practically predatorial, and the part time villain couldn't help but smile back at it- as if they shared in on a private joke.

Once gone, it was Ursula who took the initiative and spoke up.

"So you know how I met him… but what about you? I know you two work together, Larry told me that much, but…"

"But?" Rippen probed, curious to know what his date had to say.

"You guys aren't exactly on the same brain waves here. He's a little too saccharine for the dark and brooding vibes you got going on." She leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table as she supported her chin. "Makes a girl wonder how you're his best friend."

Rippen didn't answer right away, found that he couldn't. Larry never told him what to do when she started asking questions. Wasn't he supposed to keep the focus on her? That was the plan, right? Better keep this short.

"Oh, well, you know, opposites attract, and admittedly I don't get out much, so my circle of friends is a little limited..."

He had hoped that was the end of it, but she was still watching him, expectantly, as if he had stopped in the middle of a story. More? She wanted him to elaborate on this of all things? What more was there to say?

"... And, I suppose, it's hard to dislike the guy. Sure, he's pretty incompetent most of the time, but I find he always comes through for me, when I really need him. No matter what... he's a. He's a good evil little henchman, in his own, twisted way."

Rippen glanced back up at her when she snorted in amusement.

"Evil little henchman, hm? You must be a fan of villains, I guess it's no wonder why Larry thought we'd make a good match."

A spark of recognition struck Rippen as he suddenly remembered a detail.

"Oh, that's right. Your books are about villains, aren't they? I must confess, I haven't read your work- but just the subject matter alone has me intrigued! What inspired that?"

The villain took a sip of his wine, as the woman across from him seemed delighted to talk about her work.

"While I'll admit, in my teenage years I would get many of my writing influences from the likes of Poe, some of the first things I ever made as a kid were comic books. Crude ones, as I was never much of an artist. But it felt natural to blend the genres together to create these wicked worlds where evil took over, and it showed the harsh reality that no matter how much good prevailed, there would always be cruelty in the end. I am of the belief that good is something drilled into us just so society can function properly, while man's inherent flaw is that in the end we are all selfish and only care about ourselves." She paused to take a drink, careful not to smudge her lipstick. She carried on. "I feel stories have a habit of making sure the heroes win in the end because they want hope that the struggles they go through mean something. They want to feel satisfied. I feel it's more important to be blunt, even if it leaves them feeling emptier than when they began reading."

Every word that fell out of this woman's mouth was genius. Never in his life had he met such an interesting, intelligent human being. Aside from himself, of course. Is this what finding your soulmate felt like? Was this what it was to fall in love? It was... it was ...

_It was oddly underwhelming._

"Ah, yes! My thoughts exactly! You know, it's such a breath of fresh air to finally meet someone who shares my outlook on life. I'm so used to being around someone who always has to pipe in with some, positive spin on a situation. Flood the whole place with sunshine and rainbows, completely ruins the evil mood."

"I can only imagine the pain you've gone through," Ursula joked sarcastically. Oh, she really hadn't the slightest idea. Not an inkling of all the stress it had put the villain through over the years. But that was alright, her humor was enough for him. Rippen was about to crack his own jokingly bitter remark, when he was interrupted by their food arriving. Well, no matter, talking was one thing, but a good meal always came first.

"I hope you don't mind if we have a lull in the conversation while I eat, I'm not usually much of a chatter, even on a good day."

"Go ahead," his date responded, already picking up her fork and knife and getting ready to dig in. "In fact, I was going to threaten you if you spoke up while I had food in my mouth anyway. Talking and eating just do NOT go together."

Rippen felt a flutter of kinship, but was quick to squash it as he followed suit. Though, the longer they ate, as they focused on their individual plates, the villain couldn't help but think of his usual outings. Larry never stopped talking, he would only stop long enough inbetween bites before he was back to blathering away. While annoying and had a way of bringing the man out of his meal, Rippen had come accustomed to it. He… didn't quite know if he liked the silence between him and his date. The faint sounds of chewing and swallowing seemed more noticeable without someone holding a conversation over it.

Not a word was exchanged between them, until the meal was over. The woman across from him let him know she was finished by setting her fork down, and pushing her plate away. Rippen was mildly impressed by how well she polished off those bones.

The meal was over, and as far as Rippen knew, that also meant the date was pretty much over. And yet, the silent dinner left him craving conversation, it was a little pathetic.

"So, ah, I take it you enjoyed the meal. Any chance you'd be willing to chat more about your books while we wait for the-"

For the what? The check? He figured she knew that Larry already paid for their evening. Maybe not, but how embarrassing would it be to be caught in such a lie?

"for our food to settle?" He folded his hands atop the table, and gave her a smile that barely reached his eyes.

"Yeah, I could do that." Ursula shrugged. Hey, even if this date didn't work out, at least she might hook a new customer.

"It's told from the villain's point of view, which, if you ask me, is a pretty refreshing concept..."

"Oh, yes, absolutely!" Rippen nodded and smiled. That really was interesting, really! He continued to listen, nodding when he felt it was necessary, discovered her stories sounded genuinely fascinating... but this conversation wasn't. Had he grown so used to Larry's nonsensical prattling, that a decent, linear, straightforward conversation could no longer keep his attention? Was that how far he had sunk?

Rippen was suddenly jolted out of his thoughts by the woman across from him changing tones completely.

"Alright, what is it?"

The villain blinked in genuine confusion.

"Pardon? I'm sorry, I must have missed a connection somewhere. What is _what_ , now?"

Ursula leaned back in her chair, thick arms crossing over her bust. She gave a soft but stern glare.

"Look, I know that troubled monobrow look anywhere. Maybe not on you, but I've seen it enough. Something's bothering you. So what is it?"

"Nothing!" It was probably louder than it had to be, and the man knew it. Clearing his throat, Rippen tried a much more reasonable volume. "I'm FINE. I-" A new song from the live band began to play and a thought struck him. Acting fast, Rippen quickly responded," I was just thinking I was in the mood to dance. Would you care to accompany me?"

This piqued the woman's interest. She smirked, and raised a brow.

"You dance? Huh. You don't strike me as the type." When she slid out of her chair anyway, Rippen followed suit, and met her halfway. "But I'll bite. Show me what you've got."

"Gladly."

He led her to the dance floor, memories of his night out with Larry flooding back and filling him with much needed confidence. Not to mention, reminded him how to dance. Not that the dance style Larry had taught him fit this song very well, but he heard no complaints from his partner. Manicured hands together, his left one resting comfortably on her hip, they guide each other around the room- swinging to the tune. Rippen found himself more than amused as, while they break apart, she did a kick outward, showing off her tinted stockings. As she twirled back to him, the man dared to dip her, holding her close to his body as her long hair touched the floor.

The smile wiped itself off his face in almost horror as he realized he caught himself wondering if his minion was good at dipping too. ' _Oh, oh this was getting ridiculous! Focus! Beautiful, intelligent woman in your arms, ring any bells?_ ' It did, and as if to aggressively fight his own mind, he pulled the woman up with a snap. Ursula was surprised by the force, however, if she was bothered it did not show. In fact, a sly grin made its way to her face as she squeezed Rippen's hand, before using her own force to swing him around- the dance continuing.

He didn't understand. The moves were the same. Ursula was just as graceful on her feet as Larry had been. The setting was the same, and yet something was missing. Rippen had a beautiful, charming, witty, intelligent young woman in his arms, _and something was missing_.

Was it the song? Maybe he just didn't like the song. Yes, all he had to do was wait for the next one to come on, he-

Oh, who was he trying to fool? He knew exactly what was missing. They had chemistry, but no spark. He should have known better than to try the dating scene. Love was a fickle beast who wanted nothing to do with him.

"Ursula..." Rippen stopped, mid-song, and pulled his date upright, placing his hands on her shoulders, and gazing at her, apologetically.

"I'm sorry, I really am, but... I need some air. _Excuse me._ "

The villain, perhaps rather rudely, left without waiting to hear the woman's response. But he was practically in a panic at this point, and OH how he needed air and space and just the time to think! He burst through the doors and into the fresh Spring air. It was a bit crisp, would have been colder if it weren't for the fact Rippen felt far too warm. He was contemplating removing his jacket when the doors opened behind him, and the form of Ursula Jones stood there- taking in the pathetic man she saw before her.

"Alright… Are you ready to talk _now_?" She walked out more, fully encasing herself with the night as she crossed her arms against her chest- her purse tight at hand. "What happened back there?"

Rippen sighed, running a hand through his hair in embarrassment- a few strands escaping his neat and orderly bun.

"I honestly don't know. It was going so well! Or, in any case… I thought it was. I mean, you're perfect, I don't think I've ever found myself more charmed…"

"But?" Ursula asked, causing the man to flinch in the slightest.

"But? Why does there have to be a but? It just isn't working, alright? I'm just not cut out for the dating scene, there, I've said it, it's out now." The man turned away from his date, and folded his arms. he wasn't going to cry. Villains didn't cry.

"Maybe it is out, but you sure aren't."

Well, that comment was perplexing enough to send him spinning back around.

"Pardon? What is that supposed to mean?"

Ursula sighed, and shook her head, as if she was dealing with a stubborn child. An oddly familiar gesture.

"Rippen, have you ever stopped to think that maybe the problem isn't that you're not cut out for love, but that you're already _in_ love?"

" _In love?_!" The man cried, his voice getting more shrill. "Are you mad? Who in the world could i possibly be in love with- I hardly know anyone!"

It was then, like a slap to the face, Ursula answered with the very words he had been dreading.

" _You're in love with Larry."_


	8. Inhibitions Aside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rippen deals with the new knowledge he has been given.

Rippen found himself sputtering, looking wide eyed at the woman before him as something with a semblance for words decided to escape his lips.

"I, that's absurd! Absolutely insane!" Rippen began pacing, staring at his shoes- if only to avoid having to look at the brilliant greens that were locked onto him. The villain shook his head in denial. "The very idea! What would make you think something as… as LUDICROUS as that?!"

Arms still crossed over her round frame, Ursula's voice was deadpan as she replied.

" _Because it was obvious?_ Look, I'm not saying I'm the most desirable woman out there… But I can tell when somebody isn't interested in dating me." She uncrossed her arms as a thought struck her. "In fact, the only things you did in there were listen to me and talk about HIM. I bet he hasn't left your mind all night!"

It was true, but Rippen wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of knowing she was right.

"What do you mean that's all I did, I took you dancing, didn't I?" A weak argument, and they both knew it.

"Mm-hm yeah, didn't even make it through one song, did ya? Your mind was elsewhere. I get it."

"I-..." Rippen couldn't respond to that. She was right, again. He had been thinking of Larry, how his evening out with him had felt so much more... _something_. He hadn't noticed anything missing that evening, but then again, he hadn't been looking for it, either.

Was it possible he had found the spark, mistook it for gratitude,and missed it completely?

...No. Rippen squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head.

"No, that's still completely ridiculous! This is Larry we're talking about. He's my number two, my co-worker, he's a complete airhead, he's, he's..."

"He's completely head over heals for his number one."

It was time for the villain to do a double take yet again, a strange sensation developing in his stomach.

"He's WHAT now? He's in- now I KNOW you're mistaken. Larry, he… he likes everyone!"

It was true, he was a happy ray of sunshine and friendship. It was one of the things he couldn't stand about the guy, in all honesty. Or.. at least partial honesty, Rippen had been finding a lot of the man's quirks to be a lot more tolerable as of late. And even missed at times. Ursula broke the villain out of his thoughts again as she put more of her two cents in.

"But he adores YOU. Look, I know I haven't been around the guy as much as you have… But every time we met up, Larry would ramble on and on and on about you. I had honestly thought you were his, you know, _partner_ or something, until the other day when he asked if I was free to go out with you."

"Of course he talks about me," Rippen argued defensively, "I'm the one he's around the most. Every person he meets gets absorbed into his collective of backstories!"

The woman sighed, rubbing her temples in frustration. The guy wasn't getting it. People in denial were always the hardest to break through. She should just go home, leave mister 'no-homo' alone to sort out his own problems. Instead, Ursula found herself taking a few steps forward as she placed a hand on her date to get him to stop his pacing.

"Yeah, but you don't see what happens to him. One mention of you and suddenly he's on cloud nine. You know what he said to me one day?" She didn't wait for Rippen to give any indication one way or the other as she went on. "He said, and I quote: ' _Rippen makes every day the best adventure I've ever had._ ' If that ain't the romantic sweet nothings of a man in love, then I don't know what is."

"Well, yeah..." Rippen drew out the second word as if it were obvious. "Saying sickingly sweet things is just what Larry does, it, he..."

The part time villain gave up and slumped. It was getting harder and harder to deny she was right.

"He really said that, did he?..." his voice was tired, deadpan.

"Mm-hmm."

Larry sighed. He reached out and took the woman's hand in his, and placed his other hand on top.

"Ms. Jones, thank you for a lovely evening. But I think it's best I go home, and... reevaluate my entire life"

Ursula smirked, withdrew her hand, and reached out to grab his tie, yanking him down far enough so she could kiss his cheek.

"See you around, Rippen."

Rippen watched her leave. She really was a stunning woman. Why was fate so cruel?

"Oh," she called out without turning back. "say hi to Larry for me."

Rippen didn't respond as he instead sighed in defeat. Walking back inside to get his keys from the valet service, the man knew what he had to do…

* * *

Larry Manor's study room was aglow in a soft warm light- the fireplace lit as its owner rested in a cushioned chair far too big for him. Larry had been happily spending the last hour listening to jazz music, the saxophone making him bop his head as the rest of him was busy focusing on his knitting. The principal found it was a great way to lift his mood, as the one he was in when he first returned from helping Rippen get ready for his date hadn't been… well, exactly a pleasant one. But who could be unhappy when they were warm, cozy, and knowing that they were doing work for a good cause?

Not Larry, that's who.

The stout man momentarily put down his needles as he leaned over the side a little, where he knew Tony, his teacup elephant, to be sleeping on the cushioned stool next to him. Larry smiled, as he gave his little darling a quick scratch behind the ears.

"You know, I'm okay with this." Larry told the room, humming a little in satisfaction. " Yep. I mean... Sure, the man I love is out there, on a date, with a woman that checks off everything he ever wanted in a girlfriend, and is no doubt falling in love as we speak." He paused to take a deep breath." _But that's okay._ I only care about Rippen being happy, right? If he's happy, then I'm happy!"

It was a nice sentiment, but not one even he entirely believed. Larry didn't get to discuss his feelings with himself any more than that, however, as he was interrupted by the sound of a knock on the door. Picking up his needles once more, he got back to work before calling out to it.

"Come iiiiin~"

"Master Larry," it was Mathews, one of his two butlers. She stood tall and proud as she came inside. "Sorry to disturb you, but I'm here because you have a visitor. A Mr. Rippen."

Now this certainly caught the man's interest as he threw a quick glance to the clock resting on the mantel over the fireplace. It read a quarter 'til nine. Huh, that was odd… shouldn't he have still been out on his date?

"Rippen? A little late, but can you be a dear and send him up please?" Rippen didn't make visits unless it was absolutely necessary. Which led the principal to believe that SOMETHING must have happened to get the man to come at this hour.

Larry nearly dropped his knitting needles when he saw his best friend standing in the doorway. His emotions were battling each other between worry and relief as he realized that was not the face of a man in love.

"Well hey there, Rippen! How did your evening out with Ms. Jones go?" Larry asked, cheerfully, sliding off of his seat as Rippen entered the room.

"Oh, it was lovely. The food was fantastic, Ursula is a delightful woman, and I didn't step on her feet once while we danced!"

The angry infliction in Rippen's tone did not match the words he was saying. Larry honestly did not know whether to congratulate him, or apologize.

"But you know, " the goblin-esque man continued, stepping closer and closer, with his arms folded behind his back. The fireplace caused half of Rippen's face to be cast in darkness, adding to the predatory vibes he gave as he stalked around the room. "I didn't get to enjoy it because something else was tickling in the back of my brain all evening. Something that wouldn't let me be. All the pieces were there, and yet things didn't add up!"

Rippen stopped in front of the shorter man, his height looming over him. Larry was surprised when the part time villain suddenly grabbed his shoulders and shook him as he roared.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU HAD FEELINGS FOR ME?!"

Larry's smile faltered for a second. Oh. Ursula had mentioned that, then.

"Well, I mean,... I kinda did." The smaller man was smiling, when wasn't he, but his eyes spoke of apologetic sorrow.

"Oh you did not! When did you say that, _hm_? I'm quite positive I would have recalled something like that."

Larry gave a little sigh. Rippen was so dense sometimes. But wasn't that one of the reasons he was so charming?

"Oh, you know, I tried to be subtle about it. Leave little hints here and there... I guess I was hoping you'd pick up on it. When you told me you wanted a woman in your life, well... I figured that meant you got the picture and didn't want the autograph." Larry shrugged.

"... Say what now? Autograph? Larry, what does that even-"

"But none of that matters, Big R!" Larry's cheerfulness was, perhaps for the first time since Rippen could remember, obviously fake. Perhaps it was the tears shining in the corners of the man's eyes as he stared up at his love towering over him. "You're happy now, right? Please say you're happy. That's all I've ever wanted for you."

Rippen let go of his grip on the smaller man as he no longer could stand to look at him. Instead of being from disgust or annoyance- feelings he was used to associating with his number two- the villain was instead taken over by guilt. How long had this poor pathetic man been suffering in silence, and how could he have been so blind to it all when it was right under his nose? Sighing sadly, feeling drained from each passing second, Rippen made his way towards Larry's empty chair- his legs practically giving away as he plopped down. Resting his head in his hands, he decided it was time to do something no self-respecting villain should ever have to do.

Rippen decided it was time to confess.

"I wanted to be happy, I really did," Rippen admitted, " Ursula, she's… she's quite the woman, isn't she? She was perfect in every way but one, and it was the biggest flaw she could have, really."

Larry, eyes still full of tears, was all the more heart broken from this.

"O-oh?" the principal inquired, egging the other on. Rippen was silent for a moment, taking a deep breath, before looking Larry straight in the eyes.

" _She wasn't you._ "

Larry stared, and he felt like his heart might explode right then and there. Was he being serious? Was Rippen insinuating what he thought he was? There was no fighting the tears now, they streamed down Larry's cheeks like tiny rivers.

"Do you mean that? For real? Don't ... don't you go playing with my heart, now." he blubbered. Rippen shook his head, and his hands.

"No, no! I'm being completely serious, one hundred percent genuine. Larry... would you mind becoming my number one?"

Larry had been waiting to hear those words for far too long. Well, words a lot like those, anyway. The plump man dashed over to Rippen- completely throwing his no running in the house rule out the window- and leapt into Rippen's arms. The bigger man held him to his chest and let the poor man sob into his shirt, and only thought a little bit about how those tears were going to stain.

"So, I take that as a yes?"

"Uh-huh. ...Wait." Larry sniffled and turned his bloodshot eyes up to Rippen. "Does this mean you're the sidekick now?"

Rippen blinked at him, eyes wide. That was just absurd, what... _oh_.

"What, no! I just meant... alright, poor choice of words, I get it, _ha ha_."

"Just checking." Larry's giddiness over everything turned to confusion as something dawned on him. "Wait, what made you realize everything? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm LOVING this- I don't think I've been this happy since… since EVER, really! But… I mean, I had HOPED things were different for us ever since…"

"No need to say it, " Rippen interrupted, putting up a hand. "In retrospect, getting stuck on that horrible little island was probably what started to open my eyes to things. It was Ursula who helped me put the pieces together as I realized, despite everything going so well… I much rather enjoyed my date with you." A pause. "She says hello, by the way."

The waterworks were threatening to start up again for Larry, and Rippen couldn't help but roll his eyes, even as his lips quirked into a smile. He took out the handkerchief from his coat pocket as he began to dab at the smaller man's eyes.

"Would you stop that already, you're going to make your butlers think I did something horrible to you."

"I, I'm sorry. Sometimes I just get so happy that it gets balled up inside and it just comes out like this. Like, one time, I saw these really cute puppies in the mall and I just broke down crying as I realized they were the 9th cutest golden retriever pups I ever saw. And they were batting at each other with their little paws, and wrestling, and it was just so darling that my heart exploded with joy!"

Rippen scoffed.

"I would at least hope this moment tops adorable puppies in just the slightest."

"It does! Trust me, it does!" Silence hung in the air between them as the principal did his best to calm himself down. Rippen continued to wipe away every tear that dared to escape, until there were no more to defeat. It was… nice. Larry sniffled, breaking the other man out of his soft gaze as he finally decided to speak up. "So, uh… what now? Is this where we start saying we're together?"

Rippen blinked.

"Huh… I suppose it is. Honestly, I'm a little out of sorts with this- I've never had feelings for somebody I knew before hand. I'd say we should start things slow, but if we went any slower, I imagine we'll be going nowhere fast."

Did that even make sense? Oh, he was the one rambling now. He was, wasn't he? Rippen was just on new ground, untested waters, one could say, and everything was changing so suddenly. Just a couple hours before he thought he knew what direction life was taking him, and now… now he had his minion sitting in his lap, looking up at him as if he was the single most important person in the whole wide world, and Rippen's heart was soaring from just the very notion.

The villain was interrupted from his thoughts as Larry grabbed his hand, squeezing it gently. Rippen looked down at him in confusion, as the man spoke up.

"Is it okay if I make a request? Totally feel free to say no, though."

Rippen arched his brow at this.

"I suppose so..."

"Please kiss me."

The taller man flinched, not because the idea sounded unappealing- it almost surprised him that it didn't at all, actually- but… _This was Larry_. Bumbling, sometimes moronic, incompetent… sweet and wonderful Larry who was looking up at him just as surely as he felt. Larry, who had always been there for him, even at the most trying of times. Larry… who dared enough to ask for one of the most the most intimate gestures that could take place between two individuals.

"Alright, " Rippen finally answered, "Just let me… um…" The villain gently placed a hand on Larry's chin, the principal taking the hint as he tilted his head back so Rippen could get better access. The taller man licked his own lips, sudden nervousness and anticipation making his mouth dry while the rest of him perspired. Okay, here he was, about to… to kiss his minion. His number two? No, his partner in crime. Rippen leaned in, his body just as hesitant as his mind, as he was in a constant battle of what he should do.

It was Larry, ever excitable Larry, who took the initiative as- for the second time that night- Rippen was tugged by his tie, lips crashing together. Rippen's cry of alarm was quick to melt into a moan as startlement turned into something else. Butterflies flapped their wings wildly in his stomach, as something electric set his whole body ablaze. A surge of eagerness hit him as Rippen suddenly realized, yes, THIS was the spark! The spark that was missing all evening, the spark he had been desperately searching for! Rippen hugged the man in his arms closer to himself, as his eyes shut in pure bliss. He didn't want this moment to end!

Unfortunately for the both of them, their lungs eventually protested as their lips parted ways- their heads pressed together as they desperately panted for air.

"That was... well that was fantastic. Larry, where in the world did you learn to kiss like that?" Rippen asked between breaths. Larry smiled wide and fluttered his eyelashes up at him.

"That's my little secret. So, you ready for round two, Big Guy?"

And he was.

* * *

This was unbelievable. Any time you're on a mission, and the running for your life while dodging incoming missiles, wasn't even the worst part of it, you knew you were having a bad day.

If Penn Zero was honest with himself, it hadn't been his morning either. It had started with a troublesome feeling as he walked down the halls of Middleburg Central High. Something was off, something was wrong. And that something was the likes of Rippen happily walking down the halls, a slight skip in his step. The redheaded teen found his eyes squinting and his mouth hanging open wide as he tried to process what he was seeing. Rippen… happy? That was just sick and wrong.

The day went on, and no matter what Penn did, he couldn't shake that something was off. Having art that day just proved his point as no matter how much he tried to provoke his teacher, and OH did he try, Rippen's good mood would just not vanish. It was there to stay.

This did not bode well when Penn, Boone, and Sashi had made it into Toy World, later after school, when they were instantly pelted by an onslaught of attack. Boone ran back and forth, screaming as he dodged the plastic explosives.

"These toys should come with a warning label!" he cried."Not safe for Boone, not safe for Boo-hooo-ne!"

Another missile barely missed hitting Sashi, but she managed to duck and roll just in time. The three of them spotted a conveniently placed ditch and dove for cover.

"What is with him lately?" Sashi demanded to no one in particular. "He seems... almost competent. Focused, even!"

"Tell me about it!" Penn replied. "It's really starting to creep me out!"

Just then, a menacing shadow fell over them. They looked up and saw Rippen's giant toy robot peering back down at them. Larry and Rippen sat where its head should have been.

"This is it, Penn Zero! This is where your heroing comes to an end! Prepare to- oh. Actually, Larry, would you like to do the honors?"

"What, no! He's your nemesis, you go ahead, honey bunch."

"Are you certain? I could always get the next one."

"No, no! You worked hard for this, have at it!"

The three heroes stared.

"Are they...?" Sashi began.

"Flirting?!" Penn finished.

"Aw. I think it's kind of cute." Boone admitted. His smile was quick to disappear when he noticed the other two gawking at him in disbelief. "What! Love is love, you know? Boone don't judge."

"Aaaand they're kissing." Sashi reported, much in a tone that ceratinly was filled with judgement as she watched the scene with a deadpan expression.

Now THAT was the sickiest and wrongest thing Penn had ever seen!

"Oh, oh come ON!" The hero yelled up at the villains, who were instantly broken up from their devious make-outs. "You're going to make me lose my lunch, here!"

Rippen merely rolled his eyes as he yelled down at his nemesis.

"Oh, real mature. And here I thought you hero types were more supportive of emotional developments."

"I'd much rather be attacked by missiles again, honestly." Sashi added. "At least that I can avoid."

"It's funny you should say that, " the villain added with a dark chuckle, " BECAUSE THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO GET!"

"Shall we run in terror and scream like little girls?" Penn asked.

"Let's." Replied Boone.

About an hour later, Rippen and Larry were zapped back, thoroughly defeated.

"Ah yes, that went about as well as I've come to expect." Rippen said with a sigh. He brightened a split second later.

"So! Dinner at your place?"

Larry beamed, and clasped his hands together.

"Oh Rippen, I thought you'd never ask!"

Phil watched the two walk out of the restaurant, arms locked together, as neither of them seemed to notice his mere existence. The man sighed and shook his head, as he realized that this was going to be a new thing between his two employees. The honeymoon phase of love had a habit of turning even the most evil of men into fools.

"Oh well… They better just be remembering to invite me to wedding."

**.:THE END:.**


End file.
